


Kiss Me Goodnight(I'll Love You In My Dreams)

by artsypolarbear



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Femslash, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Ranya-centric, Raven Reyes-centric, Raven saves the day, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-05-27 06:34:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6273568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsypolarbear/pseuds/artsypolarbear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raven enters the City of Light and soon meets it's only regular inhabitant, Anya. Raven shouldn't be able to see Anya, but she can, and she soon learns that she isn't quite like everyone else who's taken the pill. She has a history with ALIE, one which has it's roots in the years before she was even born, and as her story unravels, Raven befriends Anya. After learning more about the City of Light and who she is, Raven starts on a mission of her own end Pike's idiocy for once and for all and to prove to everyone else that she isn't useless.</p><p>A story in which Raven is the hero and everyone gets a happy ending and no one who we love dies</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> raven reyes is my beautiful sunshine child and the canon is not doing her justice so i've gone rogue  
> whatever the fuck happened in the canon after 3x06 is effectively ignored(except maybe the whole clexa glory but this is a ranya fic so)  
> anyways, this is my first ranya fic  
> enjoy~

The pill felt strange on her tongue.

It was cold, it was smooth, and even with it’s considerable size it almost felt as though it were melting in her mouth; when she swallowed, it slid down her throat but she wasn’t sure whether it ever made it’s way down to her stomach. It disappeared the instant it left her mouth, and she half thought it had latched onto the back of her throat and decided to reside there.

That didn’t matter, really.

_Here goes nothing._

And nothing happened. She waited, but the pain in her leg was all-too noticeable; the weight on her heart was even heavier, not a single bit lighter or easier to bear. The voices of her demons, always whispering in her ears, they weren’t any bit quieter. If anything, they’d grown louder, so loud she could barely hear the pouring rain, hammering down onto the earth and onto her skin.

 **_Nothing_ ** _._

Raven kicked the air with her good leg and sighed. She’d been foolish to think that one pill could make her pain go away. Idiotic, even. She stood up slowly, hissing as pain ran up from her leg and into every cell of her being. But she could’ve sworn then that the pain was somehow lesser, even in the pouring rain which mixed with the tears that still streaked her cheeks, the freezing cold which seeped through her clothes and numbed her entire being.

When she took a step, it felt like it always had. Pain, shooting up her leg and hip. Pain, drumming and stabbing at her mind, obscuring every thought in a mist of sorrow and hurt.

Pain, clawing at her heart from within, tearing it apart with each drawn breath and each drum of a living pulse.

But then, a few steps down, she felt the pain ease; her heart grew lighter, and her lips curled upwards into a genuine smile as she felt her leg grow painless altogether. Gone was the hurt, gone was the pain, gone were the twinges and stabs which coursed through her body and soul.

For the first time in her life, Raven felt normal. She didn’t even know what normal felt like, but she was sure that whatever she felt in that moment was just that. She could finally concentrate on something other than her leg and her heart, and truly sense the world around her. She felt the rain on her face, cold and drenching and oh-so real; she heard the clatter and chatter of the camp, and the rush of the wind in the trees; she saw the world as she had never seen it, as pure and real and finally clear from the mist that had shrouded her eyes for as long as she could recall.

She blinked, and the next second, saw a woman standing before her. She was clad in a red dress, so bright against the murky background of the camp; her lips were painted red as well, and her pale skin practically shone in the dark evening. There wasn’t a single drop of water on her; her dress was dry, as was her hair, as though she weren’t there at all. Her brown hair lay perfectly assembled on the side of her head, without a single hair out of place. And her face -

Her face was turned towards Raven’s, and it reminded her of a statue; with an expertly chiseled brow and jaw, she appeared almost goddess-like with her perfect looks and regal stance. Her eyes were sharp and intelligent, and within them was held a look of absolute confidence and wisdom – she seemed ageless, immortal even, and Raven only half believed that she was even real.

“Hello, Raven.”

Even her voice seemed surreal, dream-like and somehow above all of what Raven was otherwise experiencing; the moment those red lips parted, it was as though the rest of the world hushed away. Raven opened her mouth, about to speak – but the woman cocked her head just half an inch, and she shut her mouth again. She was not expected to speak. She needed not to introduce herself – no, whoever this woman was, she knew her already.

She looked familiar, too, although Raven failed to fully place why her brows and sharp eyes made her feel small and somehow…at home.

“Time to get back to work, Raven.”

 

* * *

 

Unsurprisingly enough, it was Abby who first noticed Raven had changed. It wasn’t so hard to tell; it was the first time in ages that she’d seen Raven smile, and she immediately knew that  _something_ was wrong – and then she saw the lightness in Raven’s step, and her apparent lack of pain, and practically rushed over despite knowing already what had happened.

“Raven.”

Raven stopped in her tracks and turned around to smile at Abby. “Yes?”

“Did you-“

“Did I what?”

The smile on Raven’s lips was unsettling to say the least, and Abby found herself faltering with her words.

“Did you take the pill?”

Raven nodded. “It doesn’t hurt anymore, Abby.”

“What doesn’t?”

 _My heart._ "My leg."

“That’s not possible.”

“You want to check? Do an exam? I assure you, Abby, I am pain-free. You can do all the tests you want, but Jaha was right.”

Abby eyed her carefully. “Even if you’re not in pain, your leg – it can’t just heal itself.”

“So what? You told me yourself that I can’t be fixed, it’s just about pain management, and that’s what I’m doing because you couldn’t!” Raven snapped. Abby was surprised at the outburst, and Raven was too – had she glanced behind her, she would have seen a look of surprise on the face of the woman in the red dress.

“Raven…”

“I don’t care what you think, Abby.”

“Come meet me tomorrow morning for a checkup. I just want to make sure that there aren’t any side effects.”

Raven sighed. She _really_ didn’t want to be poked and prodded, but just then, ALIE appeared in her field of vision.

“Say yes, Raven. If you can convince her, it’ll help our cause greatly.”

Raven wasn’t so sure why the woman acted like she had control over her, or why it seemed that she expected Raven to heed her every word. She’d known that Jaha spoke to this ALIE, and obeyed her every command blindly – everyone who’d taken the pill was like that, like brainwashed idiots with stupid smiles on their faces. Raven had expected to become like them, but found that none of the dazed idiocy had really hit her. She was smiling, yes, but she was smiling because she was happy.

But she couldn’t be so sure that she wasn’t brainwashed.

“Raven?”

Raven snapped out of her thoughts and looked at Abby. “What?”

“Will you come for a checkup tomorrow?”

“Uh, yeah. Sure. Whatever.”

Raven hurried off, ignoring anyone and everyone as she made her way to her room. The instant she was there, she locked the door, even going so far as to jam a chair to really make sure she wasn’t disturbed. ALIE was back again, standing beside her desk, her hands clasped together in  neat fashion as she waited for Raven to settle down.

“Right,” Raven muttered as she laid down onto her bed, “City of Light.”

“Do you want to go there?”

“I guess?”

“Why the hesitation?”

“What is the City of Light?”

Raven heard a light chuckle, and could have sworn she felt the bed lower slightly where ALIE sat down beside her. “It’s like a dream, only better,” ALIE told her. “Close your eyes.”

Raven did as told, and jumped slightly when she felt cool fingers touch her cheek. It shouldn’t have been possible, and yet she could easily feel ALIE’s hand resting on her skin, gentle and calming with it's touch.

“Now relax. Breathe in, breathe out. Let go of the mundanity of this world, Raven.”

Raven furrowed her brows and cracked an eye open to peer at ALIE. “Now that’s just obscure talk. Do you want me to fall asleep or something, or am I supposed to meditate?”

“Close your eyes, and think of peace. You’ll find it.”

Raven could’ve sworn she detected some annoyance in the eerie calm of ALIE’s voice. But she saw no reason to push any further, and so she closed her eyes again, and sighed. She focused on her breathing, still very aware of ALIE’s thumb gently stroking her cheek, and then the next second, she wasn’t there anymore. She wasn’t lying on a bed, nor was she inside Arkadia – no, she was standing, her eyes still closed, and ALIE’s hand was no longer on her cheek but in her hand.

“Open your eyes, Raven.”

And when Raven did, she gasped. She was surrounded by light, all around, and everything was so pristine and clear – the ground beneath her was white marble, and the buildings around her and in the distance were bright and shone in the brightness of the day. There were trees scattered about, and before them there lay a lake, at the other side of which she could see more of the city, connected to where they stood by a large bridge of some sort. The air felt fresh, and tasted cool and clean – she let go of ALIE’s hand then, and walked a few steps forward, taking in the beauty and the sheer extent of the city.

“You really weren’t kidding when you called it the City of Light, were you?” She commented.

ALIE frowned, but Raven did not see it. No, she was too preoccupied looking around the large open square they were standing in, a wide smile spread onto her face.

“You can access the City of Light whenever you wish, Raven.”

“Will you be here?”

“Not always. Not consciously, no.”

Raven nodded. “How do I get back?”

“Same way you got here.”

And then Raven found herself alone in the large square, ALIE gone altogether. But she wasn’t worried, and cared not that she was left alone in this huge city – if anything, it excited her. She took a few more steps then, and only then realized that her leg was not only painless but _fine_. She could move it like she had before that damned bullet, and laughed happily as she set out into a sprint, running off towards the bridge that stretched over the azure blue lake. Her laughter echoed in the empty streets of the city, running along abandoned alleys and bouncing off pristine glass walls, meeting none whatsoever. It was impossible to tell if anyone else existed in the city, and Raven assumed she was alone. She darted up the ramp that led her to the bridge, not caring that her legs were growing tired or that she was short of breath – she’d never run in her life before she’d come to the ground, not in the way she was now. The running mats of the Ark hadn’t compared in any way to a sprint across the woods, and that joy had been deprived from Raven far too early and for far too long. And so she pushed herself to keep going till she was at the middle of the bridge, completely spent and god, so happy.

She leaned over the railing of the bridge and admired the view – the lake glimmered about a hundred feet below her, the small waves catching the blaring sunlight and making the surface appear like the shining scales of a fish. A gentle breeze ran across the lands, and Raven’s hair fluttered along with it, one pesky strand continuously pushing into her mouth no matter how many times she tucked it away.

She was so taken up by the view, and by the whole city, that she failed to notice the approaching figure until she heard footsteps just a breath from where she was standing. She whirled around, startling the woman who’d come up behind her, and let out a little cry of surprise.

“What?” Raven cried out. "What-who?"

The woman got over her surprise very quickly, and jutted her chin as her hazel eyes peered at Raven curiously.

“Who?” She asked Raven, her voice cool but failing to hide her curiosity. “I should be asking you that.”

Raven just stared at her. “What- what do you mean?”

“I thought I was alone. I thought there wasn’t anyone here.”

“What do you mean?” Raven insisted. “Who are you?”

The woman sighed. “You’re very impolite, aren’t you?”

“I’m sorry, but I was under the impression I was alone, and you snuck up on me, so-“

The woman sighed again, crossing her arms across her chest. “I’m Anya.”

“An-" Raven paused. "Wait. Anya, as in the Grounder who threatened to kill us all? The one who Clarke escaped from Mount Weather with?”

“Yes.”

“The one who got shot in the gut?”

Anya glared at Raven, and Raven quivered beneath her gaze.

“Yes. Now who are you? I can see you’re Skaikru.”

“Raven.”

“That isn’t a real name.”

“Yes it is.”

“A raven is a bird.”

“And it’s my name.”

The woman cocked her head then, and the light caught her face in a way that illuminated her sharp features and made her eyes light up. Raven couldn’t deny that she was unable to look away, and so when the woman spoke, she didn’t realize it at first.

“What?”

“I asked why you were here.”

“I was curious.”

"Curious?"

Raven shrugged. "I was in pain."

“So you killed yourself?”

“No?”

“You’re not dead?”

“No, I’m alive. You’re dead, though, aren’t you?”

The woman shrugged. “Am I really dead if I’m right here?”

Raven sighed. “Right.”

Silence befell them, and Raven turned back to look at the water. Anya walked over to stand before the railing as well, a respectful distance between the two of them. She followed Raven’s gaze, over to the shore where waves lapped at the sandy shore in a continuous, never-ending motion.

“Do you know-“

But when she turned her head, she found that she was alone again, the brunette gone like a breath in the wind. She sighed and turned her eyes to gaze over the lake again, ignoring the stinging pain of disappointment that had arisen in her gut.

She’d been alone for what felt like an eternity. When she’d first heard the laughter, she’d thought she was hallucinating – but then it had continued, and she’d followed the noise, and found the brunette, and she’d been so shocked she’d spent a long while just staring at her from afar.

_Raven._

Anya wasn’t so sure whether the name the brunette had given her was real. But she had recognized Clarke’s name, and was certain that the brunette at least knew her. She’d hoped she could ask her about Clarke, about Skaikru and what was going on in her world – she’d hoped that perhaps, just _maybe_ the brunette would know something about Lexa, and could provide some solace to the worry that resided within her heart.

But she’d disappeared before Anya had gotten a chance to properly speak to her, and so she was left alone in the vast city once again, with no escape and no other company but the ever-gentle breeze and the sunlight.

 

* * *

 

Raven darted up from her bed back in Arkadia, breathing rapidly as though she’d just woken from a bad dream. But it hadn’t been a bad dream, not at all – it had been so good, so beautiful, and she wanted nothing more than to go back. She hadn't meant to come back so soon; she'd only closed her eyes for a second, and her mind had wandered to think about Arkadia, and the next second she'd known, the fresh air and cold breeze had left her to be replaced by the stuffy air of the Ark. She wanted to go back. But with a glance at the clock on her wall, she saw she’d slept through the night and into the morning, and realized with a start that Abby was expecting her.

And so she pushed down the nagging curiosity in the pit of her stomach and grabbed her jacket before heading out of her room once again.

She’d have time to learn more about the woman she’d met.

 _Anya_ , Raven thought to herself. _The same Anya who’s dead. I just talked to a dead person._

But it wasn’t a scary thought. If anything, Raven found herself feeling pleased that she now had a secret, something which no one else knew about – the others may have been able to access the city of Light, but only she had met Anya. She had something nobody else did, and that was a novelty for Raven.

And she relished the thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't forget to share and leave kudos and comments my lovelies :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have decided that i will make Ranya a thing  
> they're just my absolute faves  
> also i'm taking the damned show and kinda fixing it because the COL storyline had so much potential but they butchered it

Raven stepped into the medical center to find Abby seated on a bed, sorting out some medical supplies with an entire pack sprawled out before her. She didn’t notice her at first, and Raven hesitated in the doorway for just the slightest moment. But then she saw ALIE appear nearby, and the slight nod she gave her, and stepped forward.

“Hey, Abby?”

Abby turned slightly and smiled upon seeing Raven. “Oh, good. I was wondering if you’d show up.”

Raven shrugged. “Overslept.”

“Have a seat.”

After a brief physical examination and some saliva and blood samples, Abby had Raven walk back and forth for her for just a moment. She was in awe when she saw how easy Raven’s movements looked, and Raven saw this, and was pleased.

“See? Nothing to worry about.”

Abby made a face. “We’ll see what the lab results say.”

“Abby,” Raven groaned, “I’m fine.”

“Any other side effects?”

“What do you mean?”

“..mental?”

Raven smirked. “No.”

“So you’re not seeing things?”

Raven glanced at ALIE, who was looking at her over Abby’s shoulder, but shrugged. “Not really, no.”

“Not really?”

“Hard to tell, really, with everything that’s happening.”

“Raven, you’re not making any sense.”

“Sorry, bad joke. No, I’m not seeing things.”

“The others…they say they’ve _visited_ this…city of Light.”

“And you want to know if I have?”

“Have you?”

“Yes.”

“But you told me you’re not seeing things.”

“It’s not a hallucination, Abby. It’s like a dream,” Raven told her. “A really good dream.”

ALIE nodded approvingly at that, and Raven swallowed down the snark she’d thought of to say to her. It would have countered any claim she was trying to tell to Abby that she wasn’t seeing things.

She wasn’t, not really. ALIE just was there. She wasn’t a hallucination.

Raven wasn’t so sure what she was, but she wasn’t a figment of her imagination. Neither was the city, she was sure of it. It had felt too real to be a dream, and too surreal to be real life – it had been the perfect midpoint between the two, and she yearned for nothing more than to go back.

“A dream?”

“Yes.”

“Raven…” Abby sighed. “Just don’t get too attached to it, okay? Real life is real. The city…it’s just a dream, or whatever. You can’t live there.”

_Anya’s living there, and she’s dead. I’d say that’s more than fine._

Raven forced a smile and nodded. “Fine, fine.”

“Alright, well, I guess I’ll find you when I get the test results.”

Raven left then, and forced herself to go for a walk instead of returning to her room for another visit to the city. She’d been knocked out for at least twelve hours, and was now starving – the last thing she’d eaten was dinner, and that was over twelve hours ago, and so she headed into the canteen to get herself some breakfast. Upon finding that the cafeteria was full, full of her friends and people she did not want to deal with in that instant, she almost turned on her heel to leave – but she didn’t.

After all, she was starving.

She got herself as much food as she could, packed it up and almost made it out without anyone noticing her. But of course just as she was about to leave she heard Octavia’s voice, and couldn’t get herself to ignore her friend.

“Raven!”

Raven sighed and allowed Octavia to catch up. “Yes?”

“Why won’t you sit with us?”

“I’m…busy.”

“No, you’re not. Abby laid you off work, remember?”

Raven gritted her teeth. “I’m busy, Octavia.”

But Octavia now saw that something was wrong. “Raven.”

“What?”

“You’re different.”

“So?”

Raven saw Octavia flinch at the harshness of her voice, and instantly went to apologize. But before she could, Octavia shook it off, and looked up at her again.

“You took the pill, didn’t you?”

“Yeah?”

The brunette sighed then. “Why, Raven, why?”

“Why?” Raven asked, her voice rising as anger arose in the pit of her mind. “Why do you think?”

“I didn’t mean…Raven, you saw what it does to people. Why would you do that to yourself?”

“I was in pain, Octavia, constant, searing pain, and nothing could help. The pill helped.”

“It did?”

“It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“But you don’t know what it is. Nobody does.”

“All I know that this is the first time I haven’t been hurting since the dropship.”

“But, Raven. It’s…I don’t want you to change.”

“You don’t want me to change?”

“They…you see how Jaha is. How everyone who takes the pill is.”

“And you think I’m like them now?”

“You’re angry at me for no reason, Raven.”

“You don’t understand, and it annoys me that you’re not even trying.”

“I am trying.”

Raven resisted the urge to argue. “I’m sorry, I’m just tired.”

Octavia looked at her, eyes full of concern. “Raven…don’t shut yourself out.”

“You’re too busy, anyway.”

“How am I too busy?”

“You can actually go out and be useful.”

The venom in Raven’s voice was unintentional, and she flinched when she heard her own voice; but Octavia only smiled carefully, understanding her frustration completely.

“You’re useful too, Raven.”

“I’m not. You know I’m not, not with this bum leg.”

“Don’t-“

“Call it that? It’s my leg. I can call it whatever I like.”

“I was going to say don’t say you’re not useful when you are. You’re our best mechanic, and definitely one of the smartest people in this damn place.”

Raven sighed. “Look, I’m tired, I’m hungry, and I just want to lie down.”

“Ok. But don’t shut yourself out, ok?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Raven had hoped that she could have some privacy, but upon her arrival at her room, she found Jaha standing outside her door, quite obviously waiting for her.

“Raven!” He called out, a smile spreading to his face.

“Hey.”

“I see you saw the way.”

“It’s that obvious, huh?”

“ALIE told me.”

“That’s great,” Raven sighed. “Is there something you need, or can I go?”

“No, nothing. Just wanted to congratulate you, that’s all.”

He clapped Raven on the back and went on his way, leaving Raven feeling slightly confused and annoyed at the visit. But she ignored that, and instead entered her room, shutting and locking the door behind her out of habit.

After she’d practically devoured her food and taken a good, long shower, she laid back onto the bed.

“Right. Deep breaths.”

“Hello, Raven.”

Raven opened her eyes, annoyed at the interruption, and frowned at ALIE. “Hey?”

“How are you doing?”

“Great.”

“How’s the city?”

“Nice. You didn’t tell me there’d be others, though.”

ALIE cocked her head. “You mean others who’ve taken the pill?”

Raven faltered slightly. It appeared as though ALIE didn’t know about Anya, the way she looked confused at what Raven had said.

“Uh, yeah. I mean…nevermind. I’m a little confused.”

“I have a job for you.”

“Now?”

“Later.”

“Alright.”

“Go, Raven. Enjoy yourself.”

And then ALIE was gone, and Raven laid back again to try and find her way back to the city. It didn’t take her long to calm her breaths and slip away, and when her eyes opened again, she found herself on the other side of the lake, standing on the balcony of a tall skyscraper overlooking the scene before her.

“You’re back.”

Raven whirled around and found herself standing just three feet from Anya, who was looking at her with a curious look in her eye. Her arms were crossed across her chest, and she was clad in very simple clothes; dark leggings and a long shirt, fastened around her waist with a belt. Her hair, which Raven recalled had been braided the last time, was undone, the dirty blonde locks framing her face and fluttering in the endless breeze.

“Uh, yeah.”

Anya smirked and sat down onto a couch which looked out of place – it wasn’t one meant for the outdoors, and with a glance at the apartment within, Raven saw an empty space in the lounge where a couch would most likely have been.

“I dragged it out,” Anya explained, seeing Raven’s confusion. “It’s more comfortable here.”

“What if it rains?”

“It never rains here. It’s all sunlight and a gentle breeze.”

Raven nodded. “Are you the only one here?”

“Yes.”

“Can you see the others? Meet them, I mean? Like you can me?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know.”

A silence fell over them, and Raven turned to look at the city down below. “How does time pass here?”

“It doesn’t.”

“What does that mean?”

“I know it’s been months, but I can’t tell for sure. Sometimes the sun sets. Sometimes it doesn’t.”

Raven turned to lean back against the railing and face her. “It’s been about three and a half months since you, um…you know.”

Anya nodded, but said nothing.

“Aren’t you going to ask me what’s been happening since you died?”

The older woman looked at Raven with genuine surprise in her eyes. “I’d like to.”

“Then why won’t you?”

“I don’t know you.”

“Look, I’ll admit that all I’ve heard about you is that you tried to kill us, kidnapped Clarke and that you apparently trained Lexa – most of what I’ve heard hasn’t been so…appealing. But you seem okay.”

“You…you seem fine, I guess.”

“Alright, so do you want me to tell you?”

“Yes?”

Raven smirked and walked over to sit down on the couch beside her. “So, what do you want to know?”

“What happened after I died?”

Raven sighed. “Uh…well, Lexa still wanted all of us dead, and after figuring out how to reverse the Reaper-effect on Lincoln, Clarke went to negotiate a truce.”

“Clarke? That tiny little blonde?” Anya scoffed. “There’s no way Lexa listened to her.”

“Uh…she did. Clarke brought her your braid, and after telling her about your…you know, she told Lexa about her plan to overthrow the mountain.”

“Overthrow the Mountain?”

“Which they succeeded at, but let me tell you, okay?” Raven said. “Just…shush.”

Anya frowned at being bossed around so, but leaned back on the couch anyway. She listened quietly as Raven recounted the events that had led up to the destruction of the Mountain and what had come after. She noticed a slight waver in her voice when she told her of the death of the boy named Finn, who’d massacred a village of her people. She could’ve sworn she detected a stifled sob, but said nothing of it.

Raven told her how they’d returned to Ton DC for the funeral, and how there’d been an attempt at breaking the truce before it’d even began. She didn’t even control what she was saying, not anymore; she let spill that she’d been the one accused of it, and could’ve sworn she detected slight anger in Anya’s eyes when she told her about her torture.

Anya’s eyes ran over Raven’s figure, and the scars which she’d noticed on her arms now made perfect sense. She forced herself to suppress the shudder that would’ve otherwise run through her body; just the thought of her own self being subjected to that fate was fearsome, and the fact that this young _girl_ had suffered for a crime she hadn’t committed – no, it angered Anya. But she understood Lexa’s reasons for doing it, and thus said nothing.

And then it came to the eventual overthrow of the mountain, and Lexa’s betrayal of their trust. Once again, Anya understood why Lexa had done it, but also understood the pain in Raven’s voice when she told about how they’d thought they lost.

When she heard that Clarke had been the one to bring down an entire civilization of people who’d tormented hers for decades, she couldn’t help but be surprised.

“And they, your people….they call her Wanheda,” Raven told her.

“Commander of Death.”

“She’s in Polis, now, with Lexa. My people…we’ve joined the Coalition.”

“What!?”

“Yeah, it’s…it’s weird.”

“Did the rest accept?”

“There’s…commotion, let’s say that. The Azgeda were trying to get rid of Lexa, and Nia challenged her to a duel which ended with Lexa throwing a spear into her heart and declaring Roan king, and after that, I think it’s settled down a bit.”

Anya smiled at that. Of course Lexa would find a way to end a duel to the death in a novel way to enforce her agenda of peace.

“But-“ Raven began, and the grimace on her face told Anya that all was not well back in her world. “Azgeda were growing restless, and Lexa sent an army to Arkadia to protect us. But my people, the _idiots_ , elected Pike as our new chancellor, and he decided to massacre the entire army.”

“What?”

“He believes all Grounders should die.”

Anya glared at Raven. “He massacred an army that was there to help you?”

“I had nothing to do with it. I couldn’t have stopped it even if I tried.”

“What did Lexa do?”

“She didn’t respond.”

Anya shook her head. “No, she must have.”

“No, she didn’t.”

“Why?”

“Blood must not have blood,” Raven told her.

“You got that wrong. It’s blood must have blood.”

“Lexa changed it.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Believe me.”

“How can I?”

“What point is there for me to lie to a dead person?”

Anya shrugged. “You seem like a good liar.”

“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean I’m lying right now.”

“So Lexa overlooked a massacre? For the sake of what?”

“Peace.”

At that, the grounder nodded, finally understanding. “Of course.”

Raven fiddled with her hands, a question dancing at the tip of her tongue. She wasn't so sure it was appropriate, or whether Anya would answer, and so she sighed and asked:

“Can I ask you a question?”

“If you must.”

“Was Lexa always like this?”

“Like what?”

“Challenging old norms. Fixated on peace.”

Anya laughed. “Yes.”

Once again, silence befell them, and this time, Raven found no words to say to this woman. She stood up, intending to go for a walk or something, wanting to get out and see the city and to _move_ her damn leg.

“I sit around all day in the Ark. I feel like walking, or running. Now that I can,” she explained.

Anya nodded, but said nothing as she laid back onto the couch and sighed. Raven did notice the disappointment in her eyes, and smiled tentatively.

“You’re welcome to join me, if you want.”

“Why do you think I’d want that?”

“You’re all alone?”

Anya sighed. “Fair enough.”

And so they made their way down to the first floor – the electricity in the city did not, of course, work, and so they had to climb down an insane number of stairs.

“This is unnecessary,” Raven grumbled, “Thirty-four floors? Why do you hang out there?”

Anya shrugged. “It’s got a nice view.”

“But thirty-four floors?”

“I didn’t ask you to appear in my home.”

“I didn’t intend to appear in your home.”

“You don’t control it?”

“I don’t know? I’ve only done it twice so far.”

Anya shook her head and set off in one direction.

“Why’re you going that way?”

“Because you said you wanted to walk?”

“Yes.”

“Then what’s wrong with this way?”

Raven smirked. “It doesn’t look as cool as this alley right there.”

Anya wasn’t so sure why she followed the brunette so willingly down that alley, or why she kept following her as she skipped and ran down winding streets with no apparent aim or destination in mind. She wasn’t even so sure why she stuck around when Raven found a playground and decided to have some fun, and the fact that the Skaikru girl managed to get her to actually try the swings was more than bizarre.

Not that she didn’t like the swings.

She’d just never admit that she did.

But she did find it odd how easy and carefree the brunette was, and how readily a smile spread onto her face whenever she saw a new and exciting road for them to divert on; laughter rippled from her lips often during that day, reminding Anya of the first time she’d heard it – it echoed in the empty streets, and for the first time since she’d gotten there, the city felt alive. Raven was like a breath of life, of fresh air so different from the never-ending gentle breeze that roamed the city; even the words which left her mouth were alive with emotion and happiness, despite the fact that half of the time they only barely made sense.

Even the fact that Raven was able to engage her in conversation was confusing to Anya. She’d never been much of a talker, and yet, found it was impossible to not respond when the brunette spoke – the ease with which she found the right words to say was uncanny to say the least.

And so when Raven finally sighed and settled down long enough to realize ages had passed, and disappeared back into her world soon after, Anya was sorry to see her go. The instant she was gone, the city grew cold and dim again, and she was once again alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> raven is adorable and anya is as confused as ever  
> these two are just...so good  
> don't forget to share and leave kudos and comments :)


	3. Chapter 3

“Octavia!”

Octavia turned around to find Abby hurrying over to her. “What?”

Abby stopped before her and caught her breath for just the slightest moment before speaking. “Sorry to interrupt you, but have you seen Raven?”

“No. Have you tried her room?”

“I did, but the door’s been locked for two days now. Are you sure you don’t know where she is? I just want to talk to her about her lab results.”

“Is there something wrong?”

“I’m not sure.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I need to find Raven,” Abby sighed. “If she’s not in her room, where could she be?”

“Are you sure she isn’t in her room?”

“I knocked, but there was no answer.”

Octavia sighed. “I have a spare key.”

When they entered Raven’s room, they found her lying on the bed, seemingly asleep. She looked peaceful, eerily so, and for a moment, they contemplated leaving her be. But then Abby checked the data log on the lock, and saw it had last been activated three days before, and they then realized that Raven wasn’t just sleeping.

“Raven!” Octavia demanded, shaking her friend roughly. “Raven, wake up!”

 

* * *

 

Meanwhile in the city, Raven was lounging on the beach, enjoying the sunshine without a care in the world. She’d spent the past hour swimming in the crystal clear waters of the lake which she’d dubbed Sapphire Lake – after all, what use was there in being the sole inhabitants of the city if they didn’t get to name all the places however they wished?

The bridge she’d named Rainbow Bridge, which Anya thought absolutely ridiculous. She thought most of Raven’s ideas were ridiculous. Even now, she was sat on the rock a little further away, having refused to strip down to near nothing just to take a dip in the chilly waters. She saw no point in doing so, not when she’d figured out how to take comfortably hot baths in her apartment.

The lake was cold. Anya saw no point in getting herself the chills for the sake of cooling off.

But Raven had apparently managed to work up a sweat whilst darting around the park they’d found – or, well, Anya had already known it was there, but she’d refrained from saying anything to Raven about it. The brunette seemed so genuinely excited about everything in the city that Anya found herself getting excited too, despite the fact that she’d already explored most of the city more than once.

She had, after all, been alone here for months.

Having company was a novelty to her, a luxury even – after the first few brief visits, Raven had returned, and had stayed now for a very long time. Anya found herself wondering when she’d go back, or whether she even would.

The fact that she was hoping she’d stay was worrying her. The Skaikru girl was annoying and childish and snarky, and had a mouth on her for sure – Anya would’ve never tolerated her were it not for the fact that she was the only company on offer. It was either agonizing silence or the insufferable idiot.

Anya had suffered enough silence, and so she’d spent the past three days tailing Raven, surprised by how the brunette seemed to accept her company. Raven seemed to even enjoy it, as though she was liking dragging Anya up to the highest tops of towers and into the abandoned metro tunnels that ran a network beneath the city.

She’d scoffed when Raven had said she’d go for a swim, but when the next second the brunette had shed most of her clothes and darted into the water, Anya was left standing in her wake, stunned and slightly flustered by the fact that Raven was now in her underwear, which once drenched provided no coverage whatsoever. She’d walked over to a rock and climbed atop it so that she could see where Raven was, unsure of how well the Skaikru girl could swim – she wasn’t about to let Raven test whether death was possible in the city, nor was she intent on losing her only chance at any human interaction whatsoever.

She was annoying, irritating, and definitely someone whose neck Anya would’ve gladly wringed were she back in her world. But here everything felt a haze – she wasn’t as annoyed with Raven as she knew she should be, nor was she really that irritated by her continuous ideas of ‘nevermind the park, let’s go see what’s down here’ – she was actually having fun, though she did not know that as of yet.

When Raven had come out of the water, Anya laid back on the smooth rock, which stood about ten feet tall where she laid. From where she was, she could easily see Raven, but the brunette could not see her. Even when she laid on her back, Anya was aware of the brunette’s figure just at the corner of her field of vision, and tried to ignore the fact that she was so cautious of where she was.

It didn’t matter, after all. This was just some girl.

A Skaikru girl at that, just as idiotic as the rest of her people, just as annoying and just as narrow-minded.

Well, perhaps not narrow-minded.

But certainly stupid and annoying, that was for sure.

She sighed and closed her eyes, basking in the warm sunlight and enjoying the silence. After nearly three days of having actual company, she’d begun to miss the quiet – even though it was heavy and pressing, she enjoyed her own space and being in her head.

She fell asleep for the briefest of moments, and scrambled up, thinking Raven’d be gone by then for sure – but when she looked at the beach, she saw the brunette lay atop a towel, fast asleep.

She wasn’t gone, but asleep.

She was asleep, and she was still in the city.

Anya, suddenly curious to see whether she was actually asleep, walked over and kicked her in the ribs – not very hard, but enough for the brunette to yelp and wake up.

“What the fuck?”

“You were asleep.”

“And so you just decided to kick me?”

“I thought you’d have gone back to your world by now.”

Raven frowned and sat up. “Why, you growing tired of me or something?”

“You’re annoying.”

“So that’s a yes.”

“Maybe.”

“I don’t want to go back.”

“You’ve been here for at least four days. You need to return to your real body before it dies.”

Raven grumbled. “Would that be so bad?”

“Trust me. You don’t want to be stuck here.” Anya said lightly, though there was weight behind her words which left Raven feeling slight pity for her. Anya then began walking away from her, and when she turned to look behind her not twenty paces later, she found that the beach was empty.

Raven was gone, and she was once again left to her own devices.

 

* * *

 

Raven woke with a start, and for a while, was utterly confused about where she was. She wasn’t in her room, that much was evident. There was a constant beeping coming from some machine nearby, and she felt a throbbing pain in her arm. With a slight groan, she tried to sit up, but a gentle hand pushed her back down, and she then saw a hazy figure over her.

“Don’t get up.”

It was Octavia’s voice. Raven groaned and laid back onto the bed, her head throbbing with pain, and wanted for nothing more than to be alone. She now saw that there was an IV in her arm, dripping some clear liquid into her veins; whatever it was, it looked harmless enough, but she had absolutely no idea how she’d ended up here in the first place.

“What-“ Raven croaked. Octavia handed her a glass of water, and after Raven’s parched mouth had been sufficiently fixed, she spoke.

“What the fuck?”

Octavia sighed. “You’re an idiot, you know that?”

Raven frowned. “Why? What did I do?”

“You- don’t you know what you did?”

“What?”

“You scared the living shit out of me is what you did!” Octavia snapped. Raven whimpered when her voice caused pain to erupt in her skull, and Octavia immediately looked apologetic and laid a hand on her arm to soothe her.

“You’ve been knocked out cold for over a week, Raven. If we hadn’t found you when we did…you would’ve been dead.”

“I didn’t realize how much time had passed.”

“You can’t go to the city like that, you clearly can’t control it-“

“Octavia.”

“What?”

“Don’t pretend you know anything about the city.”

“I know you almost died because of it.”

“I’m fine.”

“You nearly died!”

Raven glared at Octavia, incredibly annoyed. “Would that have been so bad?”

Octavia faltered with her words, the anger in her eyes passing over for concern. “Wh- Raven, no. Don’t even think like that. This is real life. The city isn’t real.”

“I’m happy there, O.”

“You can be happy here.”

“How? With a bum leg I’m basically useless, and I can’t stand just sitting around all day. You’re off doing your training and your missions with Lincoln and Indra, and god knows Clarke’s probably off in Polis getting herself some while I’m stuck here, alone, with nothing but pain. In the city, I don’t have pain. My leg’s fine in the city. I can _run_ , Octavia.”

“But it’s not real.”

“So what if it isn’t?”

“Raven, you’re scaring me.”

Raven sighed and closed her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be, I- you’re right. I don’t get it. I don’t get why you’d take the pill, why you’d numb yourself down – did you hear that people have started forgetting things? No, of course you didn’t, you’ve been _dead_ for the past week.”

Raven then realized what Octavia was saying. “A week?”

“Mhm.”

“And you’ve been here?”

“Almost all the time, yeah.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I’m your friend! Of course I’ll stick by your bedside when you’re basically brain dead.”

“Brain dead?”

“Okay, not brain dead. The opposite, according to Abby. But she can explain that.”

“What did you mean that people were forgetting things?”

Octavia sighed. “They’re…the ‘enlightened’, as Jaha calls them, they…they can’t remember things from their past. Abby was talking to Jaha and he didn’t remember who Wells was.”

“That’s…”

“Please tell me you remember your past.”

“What?”

“Do you remember Finn? Your mom?”

Raven flinched. “Shut up.”

“Do you, Raven?”

“Yes, of course I do!” Raven snapped. “Stop reminding me about them.”

“I’m sorry…I just had to make sure.”

“I told you, Octavia, I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.”

Raven fixed her eyes at Octavia’s face. “I’m fine,” she snarled. “You don’t get to decide when I’m not fine, and I’m telling you, I’m more than fine.”

“Well, you’re right about that,” Abby quipped as she walked over. “Glad to see you’re awake.”

“Mind taking this off of me? It hurts.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Raven, you nearly died from dehydration. You’ve been living on fluids for a week because you rejected the feeding tube, and it’s a miracle you’ve been doing so well. Which, by the way, was what I would’ve told you about your lab results had you been awake.”

Raven sat up slightly, but was pushed down again by Octavia’s hand. “Just stay still, idiot.”

“What do you mean? Is there something wrong with me?”

“No, not at all.”

“Then what is it?”

“Your blood is abnormal in the sense that it’s well…I don’t quite know the word, but hyperfunctional would be the closest. I’ve never seen such healthy blood in my life. Your blood oxygen content is off the charts, and your heart rate is so slow and yet so consistent you’d think you were an athlete.”

“But that’s good, right?”

“Yes, it’s good. In essence, it’s like your body has gained higher abilities to maintain and heal itself. When we found you, you’d been without water for at least three days, and yet you were only half as dehydrated as you should have been.”

“So the pill did help?”

“That’s the thing…” Abby said. “You’re the only one exhibiting these…symptoms.”

“How can they be symptoms if I’m healthier than I was before? By all accounts, that’d mean I _was_ sick and that I’m now healthy.”

“It’s not normal, Raven.”

“Is there anything about our lives that could be classified as normal?”

 

* * *

 

Abby and Octavia left Raven in due time, but she wasn’t allowed to leave the medical center. She was subject for observation for at least another day or two, Abby had said, and Raven had protested greatly. But she hadn’t been allowed to leave, and so she’d grumbled angrily at both of them till they’d realized she wanted some space.

“Promise not to go into the city?” Abby asked. “I’ll know if you do, your neural activity goes off the charts when you’re in there. The machine will inform me.”

“Fine, fine. I won’t.”

“Good. Try and get some actual rest. Or eat something.”

Raven made a face at the bowl of soup set onto her nightstand. “I don’t feel like eating.”

“Fair enough. I’ll be back in a while, alright?”

“Ok.”

Raven laid back and shut her eyes, but found she wasn’t tired at all. And so she ended up staring at the ceiling, counting the lines in the metal panels over and over again till she felt like she’d go mad.

There was a curtain separating her bed from the rest of the room, and she was glad for that little bit of privacy, despite the fact that she was the center’s only resident at that moment.

Raven groaned and turned to her side, but that was when she caught sight of a woman seated at her bedside and yelped, scrambling to get up.

“What the fuck?!”

The woman looked sufficiently startled, and Raven sat up with a groan, causing the woman’s eyes to look at her with concern.

“You should lay back down.”

The voice was so eerily familiar to Raven, and when she finally took a good look at the woman, she understood why.

“ALIE?” Raven asked. “Why- why’re you dressed like that?”

She wasn’t clad in her usual red dress and red lipstick; no, her hair was swept up behind her head in a ponytail, and she wore a dark blue knitted sweater with black pants. She looked normal, despite having the exact same face and hair and body. She didn’t look regal like ALIE did, although she did command some sort of respect on her own. She was powerful, that much Raven could tell, but she was far more down-to-earth.

The woman frowned. “I’m not ALIE.”

“You look like her.”

“ALIE looks like me.”

“And you are?”

“Becca.”

“Becca?”

“Nice to meet you.”

“Uh…same, I guess? What are you, another hologram thing? Why are there two ALIEs?”

Becca sighed. “I told you, ALIE is a replica of me, not the other way around.”

“Are you a real human, then?”

There was a moment of silence. “I used to be.”

“So you’re dead.”

“Yes.”

“But you’re here.”

“Yes.”

“This is fucked up.”

A smile tugged at the corners of Becca’s mouth, but Raven failed to quite place why that made her feel somehow settled. Comfortable, even.

“I suppose it is.”

“Why are you here? Are you here to give me cryptic words like ALIE does? Or are you something else entirely?”

Becca made a face, and Raven was taken aback by how similar it was to the face she made when she was amused.

The woman did look familiar.

“You could say that I’m something else, sure.”

“Then tell me.”

“I’m not so sure how you’ll react.”

“Try me.”

Becca sighed and folded her hands in her lap. “I’m your grandmother, Raven.”

Raven stared at her. “No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“Not possible.”

“Why so?”

“My mother said my grandmother got floated. According to her, my dad’s entire family got floated, too. Pretty sure you can’t turn into a humanoid hologram after dying in space.”

Becca was quiet for a while. “I'm your grandmother, trust me."

“Oh, wow. That’s just messed up.”

“I’m serious.”

“Why’re you dumping this shit on me? I don’t need a family. Never did, and I don’t now, and certainly not some cyber-android bullshit of a grandmother.”

“Will you just listen?”

“Why should I?”

“Because you’re bored to the point of death?”

Raven grumbled. “Fine.”

She remained relatively still as Becca gave her a very quick and brief rundown of what ALIE was and why she’d been created, and of what she’d done – at that Raven had just scoffed, having not even been surprised.

“Knew the bitch was evil,” she’d muttered. Becca had smiled.

“I knew there was a flaw in her code. A computer couldn’t comprehend humanity as a human could. I tried with ALIE, but her neural pathworks weren’t complex enough. You can’t manufacture something as intricate as a brain, or a personality or morality.”

“So you what, turned yourself into a computer program?”

Becca nodded, and Raven was shocked.

“No way.”

“I merged myself with the program. The pill you took is part of that.”

“Holy shit. How?”

“It’s a lot of biomechanics, and I’m not so sure you’ll understand-“

“Tell me.”

What then ensued was a long explanation of the science behind Becca’s becoming what she playfully called ALIE 2, and Raven was actually entirely enthralled by the whole thing – it was so fascinating, and she half wished this woman was indeed her grandmother, because she was smart as hell.

But Raven was also very irritated by her, and so retained a cool air around her, despite her internal burn for more knowledge about the program and the City.

“So you’re saying that Lexa’s…ALIE 2?”

“Sort of, yes.”

“And she’s better than ALIE?”

“Yes.”

“Then what am I? Since I took ALIE’s pill?”

“You’re the best shot we have at overrunning ALIE once and for all.”

Raven faltered over her words then. “Wh-what? Me?”

“ALIE is merging too many people with the city too fast. She’s feeding herself with their minds, using their minds to run the city instead of using her own. She wants to foster all the people in the city and destroy the living world once and for all.”

“Would that be so bad? You can live as a dead person in the city. You don’t need a body.”

“No, you can’t live in the city if your living body is dead. Where’d you get that idea?”

Raven hesitated. “I- Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m certain. Why do you think it’d be possible to live in the city without a living body?”

“Because I’ve met someone who’s definitely dead in the city?”

Becca laughed. “No, that’s not possible.”

“It definitely is.”

“Dead people cannot enter the city, Raven. ALIE is falsely claiming that there is no death in the city. It’s only true if you die in the city. Your mind can enter the city for a while, your living conscious for even less – but you’ll fade away within minutes. Those who take the pill and subsequently die are stuck in between the real world and the city.”

“Like you are.”

“Like I am.”

“So you’re dead.”

“Yes, Raven, I’m dead.”

“And Anya…she’s not dead?”

“Not if she’s in the city she’s not.”

“But she can’t be alive.”

“Well either she’s alive or you’re genuinely hallucinating.”

Raven rolled her eyes. “Gee, thanks.”

Becca was silent for a while. “Aren’t you going to ask any questions?”

“What questions could I have for you?”

“Who I am? How you ended up on the Ark? What you are?”

“I don’t care.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Why do you think you know me?”

“Because you’re so much like I was, Raven.”

“I’m nothing like you. We’re not related.”

“Was your mother’s name Clara?”

“No, it was Irene.”

Becca faltered slightly. “That’s not possible. My daughter’s name was Clara.”

“See? You’re wrong. I’m not your granddaughter.”

“You are.”

“How are you so sure?”

“You took the pill and your code activated. That’s proof enough.”

“My code? What, am I an android too?”

“Not an android. There’s just a code encased in your base sequence, and your biology is structured so that it interacts with the pill you took. The pill only works halfway with those that it’s not meant for. With you, it complements and finalizes you. Don’t tell me you didn’t feel whole when it activated, I know you did.”

Raven gaped at her. “How would you know that?”

“I felt the same way.”

“So what if I'm your granddaughter? That doesn’t mean anything.”

“It means everything, Raven.”

“Stop saying my name like you know me.”

“I gave up my daughter when she was just a baby. I never got to see her after that. You’re the spitting image of what I imagine she would've looked like, so forgive me for wanting to get to know you.”

“My mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict, and she starved me for most of my childhood so that she could trade my rations for more things to fuck up her body. So there’s your precious daughter for you. She’s dead now, and I honestly don’t care. Now please, fuck off, I’m tired and this is too much and I kind of hate you.”

Raven turned to her side and effectively ignored the woman in the chair.

“If you want to talk…I’ll be here.”

And then there was silence. Raven didn't have to look to know that Becca was gone, and she sighed again, shutting her eyes and trying to go to sleep. But when she did, she had a flashing image in her head, of a smiling brown-haired woman with eyes just like Becca...

And Raven groaned.

_No, she's not my grandmother. That's just fucked up._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the plot thickens and it's getting so good  
> ANYA'S ALIVE WHAT???  
> tbh did y'all honestly think i'd write a fic in which she'd be dead


	4. Chapter 4

Becca couldn’t be her grandmother. No, that wasn’t possible. Raven simply refused to accept it.

It didn’t even make sense. She didn’t know _who_ she as – sure, she’d given her some explanation about creating the thing that had destroyed the world and whatnot, but she could’ve easily lied.

For all Raven knew, she was just some secondary program of ALIE. After all, they did look the same.

She was still in bed, still bored out of her mind, and didn’t know what to do. She trusted Abby’s word about knowing if she slipped into the city, and found that she really just wanted to sleep. She needed some actual rest.

It was surprisingly easy for her to fall asleep, and she was gone for a good nine hours till she suddenly woke with a start. It was dark in the medical centre, and she was the only one there – she darted up, feeling as though her heart were trying to break it’s way through her chest, and doubled over as though she were in pain. She wasn’t, but the way her heart was racing you would’ve thought she’d just ran a marathon. She gasped for air, and it felt like everything was constricted – it was like a fist had closed around her throat, cutting off her air supply, and for a moment, she thought she’d die.

Not a minute later, Abby ran into the centre. “Raven, are you okay!?”

Raven groaned and nodded. “I’m fine.”

“Your heartrate went off the charts,” Abby stammered as she rushed to check her pulse. “It was at a normal 70 and then went past 200 according to the readings, but that’s not possible – it shouldn’t be possible, not so quickly anyway-”

Raven was now feeling perfectly fine, and shrugged Abby’s hand away. “I’m fine, Abby. I just had a bad dream. Your equipment probably overreacted.”

“Raven, your heart rate shouldn’t go that high. Ever. It’s not healthy for you.”

“Well good thing it didn’t do that, then. All I did was wake up from a bad dream.”

“I heard you gasping.”

“I choked on some spit because I woke up so quick. So what?”

Abby eyed Raven carefully. “I’m going to sleep here, though, to keep an eye on you. Just in case.”

“Abby, I’m fine. And I’d like some privacy. If you’re going to keep me prisoner here, you could at least give me that.”

Abby sighed. “Fine. But you better not die.”

“I promise I’ll try my hardest not to die.”

“Okay. Good night, then.”

She went her way, and left Raven in the dark – but Raven had no intentions of going to sleep. No, there were thoughts in her head, memories that were hers but _weren’t_ – they didn’t make sense, none of it did, and she groaned as she slumped back into bed and squeezed her eyes shut.

But when she closed her eyes, she saw a battered field – burned down, smouldering fires scattered about the scorched landscape. She felt tears on her cheeks, and could smell the tangy scent of burned meat and fire. She could hear the crackling of fires, and the absolute silence that existed beyond that.

She could feel that she was devastated of the sight – the ache that was in her chest was not of her own heart, and yet she felt it like it was; the tears that fell down her cheeks were not from her own sorrow, and yet she sobbed nevertheless. The dull ache at the back of her neck, too, was not entirely hers, and yet she felt it and remembered it. She remembered and felt each stitch, each tug of skin, and the implant that those stitches hid.

She opened her eyes again and was back in the medical centre.

She closed them, and was gone once again. This time she was on the Ark, or something similar – she could feel it in the way the air tasted sterile and stuffy at the same time, and the familiar hum of the gravitational rockets was almost homey to her.

She was standing in a hall, ready to enter a landing pod, evidently on her way to leave. Clad in a space suit, she felt excitement and nerves bubbling up in her gut, but knew not quite why she felt like so.

“Let me say goodbye to her,” she heard herself say. The woman who’d thus far been standing further off walked forward with a baby in her arms, and Raven took that child into her own as gently as she could.

“Hi, Clara baby,” she cooed. “I’m so sorry I have to go. But you’ll be safe with auntie, won’t you?”

The child’s brown eyes stared into Raven’s, and Raven was struck by how her heart seemed to swell with pride and love when she saw the tiny little baby almost smile at her. But it wasn’t her _own_ heart that swelled – no, it didn’t feel her own, none of it did, but she felt and saw and smelled and tasted and heard everything that whoever she was inside did.

“Take good care of her,” she then said as she handed the baby back to the woman. “She’s important. Make sure she doesn’t…keep her safe.”

“I will, Becca. I will.”

“May we meet again. In another life.”

The words weren’t directed at the woman. No, they were directed at the child, at this tiny little bundle that Raven – or Becca, it was Becca who felt this – absolutely, unabashedly loved.

Raven opened her eyes and was back again. She was alone, on the ground, and certainly not in a space suit. No, she was in the bed, in the medical center, as she should be, and she was certain that she had neither left nor fallen asleep.

She groaned and tried to keep her eyes open as long as possible. She had no desire to see anything more, she didn’t even know _why_ she was seeing these things, but there was no way she could handle another sight.

But the next time she closed them she was on the Ark. She was in pain, blinding pain, burning through every fibre of her being – there was blood, and she had a rag in her mouth into which she screamed as the woman nearby instructed her to push. And she pushed, but Raven didn’t understand why she could remember this so distinctly – this wasn’t her, she’d never given birth. She was there, doing the birthing, and yet it felt like she was observing from afar.

But the pain felt real.

“Push, Irene. Push!”

_Irene?_

There were gentle hands on her shoulders, and Raven glanced to the side to find a familiar face – it reminded her of Becca, though the woman had short hair and a softer, rounder face.

“Mom-“ Raven choked.

“Shh, Irene. You can do this.”

The midwife sighed and looked up past Raven’s head at the woman behind her. “Clara, can you go get some more hot water? Please?”

_Clara?_

The woman left, and Raven was left alone with another familiar face that she couldn’t quite place. The pain was infernal, and she just wanted it to stop; there was so much pain, so much blood, and she could just _feel_ the child inside her wanting to get out. Tears were slipping down her cheeks, and her hands were gripping the sheets so tight they hurt from being strained so long.

“One last push, Irene.”

Raven gritted her teeth – or was it Irene who did that – and pushed once again, pushed and pushed and then all of a sudden there was a rush of relief as the child fell out of her. She felt empty, and then all of a sudden felt a rush of hormones running through her veins, and moments later there was a loud cry from the tiny bundle in the woman’s arms. Raven was crying, but they weren’t her tears, and she put the rag aside as the midwife handed her child over. Raven looked at the midwife for a second longer, and realized she recognized her – it was Abby, though she was significantly younger, so young she was barely the same at all. But the eyes were the same, and her voice, too.

_Why’s Abby here?_

There was pain, there were tears, but she dared not sob too loudly for fear of someone hearing – she didn’t quite know why she was so afraid of this, why she was so afraid of someone finding her. But then Raven – or Irene, it wasn’t Raven who was here, Raven was only watching – looked at the child in her arms. The bundle was tiny, way too small for her to even comprehend, and the fact that it had just come out of her body was most baffling of all – but then she reached over to stroke the baby’s cheek, and Raven felt her lips form words that most certainly were not hers.

“Hi, Raven. I’m your mom.”

Raven’s eyes burst open and she gasped, the comforting darkness of the centre surrounding her once again.

_Mom?_

Raven could’ve sworn this wasn't real. It couldn't be, and yet she could remember this thing, this event, and the thought that she’d just not only witnessed but technically birthed herself made Raven’s head spin.

“Holy fucking shit.”

“Everything alright, Raven?”

Raven’s head snapped up, and she saw ALIE.

“Yeah, why?”

“You’re in the medical centre. Are you ill?”

“Yes.”

“I haven’t been able to reach you.”

It wasn’t a question. It was a statement of a fact that quite obviously not only bothered but angered ALIE, despite the fact that she withheld her emotions to perfection.

“I’ve been ill.”

“I should be able to reach you nevertheless.”

“I was in a medically induced coma for a week. Maybe that’s why.”

ALIE nodded slowly, but Raven could tell that she was doubting her words.

She prayed ALIE wouldn't be able to tell she'd lied.

“About the job that I mentioned…” ALIE began after a while, a smile reappearing on her face.

Raven bit back a snarky reply, and forced a smile onto her face. “Yes?”

“I want you to get me into the mainframe of the Ark.”

“Why?”

“I believe I can find a secondary version of my program in here somewhere. I have information that it was stored here.”

“A secondary version? You mean like a backup?”

“Technically.”

“Uh, sure. Yeah. Once they release me from here, of course.”

“I could have Jackson let you go.”

Raven shook her head. “I’m really not healthy yet. It’s not safe for me to be walking around.”

And then ALIE smiled so widely that Raven wanted to punch her in the face.

“I’ll see you in the City, then.”

Raven sighed in relief the instant she found herself alone again. There was something about ALIE that made her feel uneasy – perhaps it was the fact that she now knew that ALIE was the reason for Earth’s almost complete annihilation, or perhaps it was that unwavering look in her eye that refused to recede no matter what. Raven now knew that Becca and ALIE couldn’t be the same person – no, ALIE was a robot, calm and collected and plain, whereas Becca had already displayed ten times more emotion and humanity in the short amount of time that they’d talked.

Becca had seemed honest. ALIE, not so much. She wasn’t necessarily lying, but she was certainly withholding some parts of the truth.

Raven let out a groan when a familiar headache made itself known – it was all so confusing, so messed up, and she just wanted it all to go away. She squeezed her eyes shut and hoped she could sleep, but no – what she saw was not comforting blackness, but herself in a lab, fixing some miniature components onto something that looked like a small disc. The fingers which she watched work, her fingers, they weren’t hers at all; the skin was paler, and the fingers were more slender and long. But they felt like hers; the whole situation was like a memory to Raven, not a new thing, she knew what she was doing and what was happening.

_I’m watching myself build the ALIE chip,_ Raven thought to herself. _No, shit. Not me. Becca._

She wasn’t even surprised to open her eyes and find Becca standing next to her bed.

“So you figured that out,” Becca smiled.

Raven didn’t return her smile. She refused to, and so she pursed her lips and glared at Becca instead. “Figured what?”

“The memories.”

“What memories?”

Becca sighed and sat down in the chair she’d sat in earlier. “You’re seeing things, aren’t you? Remembering doing things but it wasn’t you doing them?”

Raven hated the fact that she had to nod. “Yes. What the fuck is that?”

“All of our memories – me, Clara, and the woman who I think is your mother – were stored in your DNA.”

“Not possible,” Raven interjected. “DNA doesn’t work like that.”

“Fine, fine, it’s a bit more complicated than just DNA – let’s just say that your genes, the side that comes from me, has a dominant artificial chromosome. An extra one, you could say.”

“An extra chromosome? Shouldn’t that make me a mutant?”

“No…it’s not through a mutation. It was a deliberate addition.”

“So I have 24 chromosomes?”

“Yes.”

“Then I’m not human.”

“You are. You just have that extra-“

“Humans have 23 chromosomes. I have 24. Thus, I’m not human. That’s basic genetics 101.” Raven snapped. “So you’ve fucked up my genes. Now what? You’re going to tell me that the things I’m seeing are actually all your memories and that we’re this big pod of interconnected consciousness’s?”

Becca let out a laugh, which only added to Raven’s annoyance. “Not a pod. We don’t share minds, if that’s what you’re worried about. You just have access to the memories of those that came before you. I can’t see your memories, but you can see mine, and your mother’s, and your grandmother’s.”

“Good,” Raven sighed. “I feel like…whatever you are, I don’t need you seeing everything that I’ve done in my life.”

“Fair enough.”

“I still refuse to believe that you’re my grand – or great-grandmother.”

“You have the memories now, Raven. Can you still really say that you refuse to believe?”

Raven groaned. “No. It just…it doesn’t make sense.”

“What can you remember?”

“It’s all a mess!” Raven snapped. “It’s all in my head, and every damn time I close my eyes I see something weird – a knife, I’m in some grounder room, a city – it doesn’t make any sense!”

“It will. You’re only settling in to your new-“

“New? New body? What?”

“Not new body. You were dormant – the program in you was, until you took the chip. It activated it. It’ll settle, I promise.”

“But how- did my mother have the chip, too? And my grandmother?”

“So you believe now?”

“If I can literally remember you leaving, and my grandma giving birth to my own mother, and my mother giving birth to me – hard not to.” Raven huffed. “And I needed the answers yesterday. So tell me.”

“Your grandmother didn’t have the chip. Neither did your mother. So technically, their program was never activated, which is why their…they’re not here anymore.”

“So they’re dead?”

“Yes.”

“For real, dead? Not hanging around as ghosts like you are?”

“Yes.”

“So then how can I access their memories?”

“Their consciousness is still in the…cloud, as you called it. I like to call it the city, but-“

“I don’t care for poetics.”

“Their memories reverted back to you, and to me, because they were incomplete. Think of it as an computer command bouncing back when there’s no sustainable connection.”

“So you ditched your daughter to come to earth to do what? Respawn humanity?”

“I came here to fix ALIE.”

“Clearly you did an _excellent_ job of that,” Raven blurted out. “I mean, she’s still here.”

“Yes, she is.”

“So what went wrong?”

“My program wasn’t…complete.”

“But you just said it was.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“My mother and grandmother weren’t complete because they had the chip. But you did, because you’re here…right?”

“Yes, technically, but-“

“Why’s there always a but?”

Becca smiled gently. “You’re impatient, aren’t you?”

“I’m sorry, but you’ve dropped a fucking a-bomb on me. The least you could do is stick to the damn point.” Raven huffed, crossing her arms across her chest. “My life’s fucked up as it is.”

“Fair enough,” Becca sighed. “For me, the program…it isn’t in my genes like it is in yours.”

“Can I just ask how you could’ve ever possibly thought that messing with chromosomes was a good idea? One tiny little mistake, and I could be permanently disabled or not even human.”

“It’s the only way the program could be passed on without being altered. It's a dominant trait, basically. It'll remain unchanged.”

Raven suddenly realized where Becca was going with her explanation. “Oh, I get it.”

“You do?”

“You manipulated Clara’s DNA, but you couldn’t manipulate your own, because you were already grown...you 'fixed' her DNA before she was even fertilized, right?”

“That’s right.”

Raven wasn’t so sure whether she’d figured it out on her own, or whether she just got the knowledge from Becca’s memories.

"So basically you created your daughter as an experiment."

"No, I loved her. I always loved her first."

"But you created her to make a better program."

"Doesn't mean I loved her any less."

Raven sighed, seeing that there was no use in pushing any further. “So how…what’s your program based on, then?”

“Nanobots in my blood.”

“Nanobots?”

“Technically speaking. I altered the very structure of my blood, added a new type of leukocyte – it’s relatively simple, really, but the new leukocytes are able to carry the messages and maintain the networking framework the chip requires. The chip, by the way, was embedded in my neck through surgery. It’s not like ALIE’s chip, which just implants itself on the back of your throat and slowly phases it’s way into your body-”

“It what?”

“The chip. It implants itself into the back of your throat.”

“Gross.”

“It was the first solution I could think of, and it works fine. Not perfect, but fine.”

“Then how-“ Raven began, but she blinked and the knowledge just hit her. “Wait, I remember this. Shit, no, _I_ don’t remember this. You do.”

Becca let out a laugh. “It’s a little overwhelming at first, the memories.”

“But how would you know? You- you’re the first in the program.”

“I have another line of successors, so to speak.”

“More kids? I have relatives?”

Becca shook her head. “Not children. I injected a few people with the solution to make their blood like mine – they stand out, their blood is black. My blood was black, too.”

“Black blood?” Raven blurted out. “Nope, no. That’s not possible.”

“It is.”

“So who’s your other ‘successor’, then?” Raven asked. “And don’t say I need to remember it on my own, I can remember everything but there’s too much.”

“If you waited a few days, it’d settle.”

“I’m not a patient person, so answer me.”

Becca smiled once again, and Raven felt simultaneously comforted and annoyed at her apparent kindness.

“You’ve met her.”

“What?”

“It’s Lexa.”

Raven gaped at Becca. “Lexa- you mean-“

“Yes.”

“So you were what, the First-“

Raven stumbled over her words when the memory entered her mind. “Right, yeah. You were the first Commander.”

“That’s right.”

“That’s insane. You’re- wait, no. Lexa’s got black blood?”

“Yes.”

“Then how’s her skin white?”

“The nanobots only make the blood appear black under direct light. Through the skin there’s no effect.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“It’s just how they’re structured. In open air, they activate and enlarge to protect the material and information stored within.”

“Still doesn’t make much sense.”

“You’ll remember soon enough.”

“That makes the least sense of all,” Raven groaned. “I mean, is my future possible kid going to remember everything I’ve done, too? ‘Cause- wait, shit. No. Don’t tell me I can remember _everything_ -“

Becca offered her an apologetic smile. “I couldn’t figure a fix for that.”

“No, no. I do not- that’s just fucked up. Please tell me I can erase my memories before I remember my mom having sex or-“ Raven cringed. “No.”

“You won’t always get them like these flashes that you’re getting now. Those will settle with time.”

“How much time?”

“A month, maybe two.”

“How do you know this?”

“It’s a significantly greater amount of information to transmit into your mind because the program is so much better. My successors, they don’t gain memories. They only gain access to us, me and my other successors who’ve also died. Some important memories push through, but only a few.”

“So Lexa doesn’t know about me?”

“I didn’t even know about you until I saw you.”

Raven stared at her for a while. “When did you see me?”

“At the village, during the funeral.”

Raven tensed up immediately at the mention of the funeral, and Becca smiled gently when she saw anger burn within Raven’s eyes.

“He was important to you, wasn’t he?”

“Don’t talk about him.”

“I won’t.”

“So don’t.”

“I did tell Lexa that there was no way you’d have tried to poison her.”

“I don’t care about that- how did you know who I was?”

“I just knew.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“I could detect the program in you,” Becca sighed. “That’s how.”

Raven smirked in response. “Told you, I don’t want any poetics.”

Becca looked like she had something more to say, but was interrupted when Abby barged into the room.

“Raven, have you eaten _at_ _all_ today?”

Raven looked at her, perplexed. “What?”

“Your blood sugar’s basically inexistent at this point. What have you been doing?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing.”

Abby eyed Raven carefully. “Right, well. You need to eat.”

It was only then that Raven realized that her stomach was basically twisted in knots over the hunger that resided within. “Yeah, I do.”

“How did you forget to eat?”

Raven’s eyes flickered over to the chair that had been occupied by Becca not moments before. “I…I’m not sure.”

She went to sleep soon after Abby had forced her to eat innocuous amounts of food. She had a headache, and everything was blurry and there were memories running through her mind like flashes that only worked to confuse her more. She wished she could’ve escaped to the city, hidden away from all the thoughts and memories and the confusion, but knew it was of no use – no matter where she went, she was sure the memories would follow.

And so she turned to her side and let herself fall asleep again, and slept soundly, her dreams full of memories of lives that she had never lived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im basically going through and fixing every damn plothole in the CoL storyline because why tf not


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while but in all honesty, trying to patch up the CoL story into a coherent sensible one is hard work  
> but enjoy, i feel like i'm making sense(?) with all of this

Raven was let out of the medical centre two days later, and all those two days she was not allowed to visit the city. She was angry about it, and bored out of her mind, and her temper grew shorter and shorter until finally Abby decided she was well enough to be let go.

“Thank god, otherwise I would’ve staged a riot,” Raven sighed when Abby told her she could go, “I can’t stand this place. Did you know you’ve got a malfunctioning AC that’s driving me nuts?”

“Yes, I do. You’ve mentioned it every time I walk in. And no, you can’t fix it.”

“But Abby-“

“It’s up high in the ceiling. There’s no way I’m letting you up there with that leg of yours.”

Raven glared at her. “Way to remind me about how I’m crippled.”

“Raven…”

But Raven didn’t stay to listen to her half-assed apologies – Abby had meant what she’d said, and had certainly known it’d hurt Raven, but said it anyway. Raven needed no reminders of her leg, the very existence of her pain and the brace was more than enough.

It took her less than five minutes to get from the medical centre to her room and to slip into the city. If anything, Raven was efficient.

She really just needed to get out of Arkadia and her own world for a little while.

Anya had almost forgotten about Raven entirely by the time she got back. It wasn’t that she’d forgotten she existed, no – it was just that for her, it had been almost a week, and she hadn’t done much during that time. She'd forgotten that Raven could come back, that Raven would actually want to return - had she the ability to leave, she would've left and never looked back.

She’d laid around and stared at the sky, and tried to read the books she could find; the city was large, and full of apartments stocked full of pristine furniture and perfectly organized bookshelves, but Anya found little pleasure in academics. But she'd been so bored, with little to nothing to do, and her days had dragged on slower than anything she could ever imagine. The silence had been overbearing, prodding and poking at her mind until she felt like she'd lose her mind - there was only the gentle hush of the wind in the trees, no birds, not another soul in sight or anywhere at all. 

She was alone, and she hated it.

Anya was laying on the hood of a car, staring at the endlessly blue sky, when suddenly she heard footsteps behind her and turned her head, startling Raven in the process.

“Geez, don’t move so quick,” Raven grumbled as she made her way to stand next to the car, “It’s just me.”

Anya sighed and said nothing.

“Are you mad at me or something?”

Anya turned her head slightly to look at Raven quizzically. “Why would you think that?”

“You’re quiet.”

“Aren’t I always?”

Raven fell silent at that, and for a while, just shuffled around on her feet. When it became obvious that Raven wasn’t going to leave her alone, Anya sat up and turned to look at her.

“You were gone a while.”

It was an observation, a statement of a fact, but behind her words there was a question that Raven caught with ease.

_Why were you gone so long?_

“A lot’s happened.” Raven muttered.

Anya didn’t ask, despite being curious. After all, she didn’t really know this girl. She didn’t feel she had the right to pry.

She thought Raven would set off to find some entertainment, go running or exploring or something, and laid back down onto the hood of the car. She had really thought Raven would prefer her own company to hers, and so was surprised when Raven climbed onto the car and laid down beside her.

“What’ve you been up to?”

Anya had never been good at small talk. If anything, she hated it.

“Nothing much,” she shrugged. “Thinking.”

Raven let out a breath. “I wish I could be stuck here.”

Anya glanced at her with her eyebrows raised in question, and Raven rolled her eyes before returning her gaze to the pearly white clouds in the sky.

“The real world’s shit and a mess and I don’t want to be a part of it.”

Anya frowned. “What?”

“Did you know Lexa has black blood?”

Anya let out a laugh when she heard how shocked Raven seemed. “Yes, of course I did. What of it?”

“It’s weird.”

“She’s a nightblood.”

“I know.”

“How?”

Raven sat up abruptly and hopped off of the car, and began pacing back and forth in a small little circle. Anya sat up too, and now saw that the brunette was evidently a mess – she looked troubled, and like she had a headache, and Anya almost felt a little sorry for her.

“You probably know Lexa can see the past commanders, then,” Raven began. “Right?”

Anya nodded and climbed off of the car as well, and started following Raven as she began walking.

“The first commander, she…shit, it’s so fucked up, I just-” Raven sighed.

She stopped abruptly and looked at Anya in concern.

“Fuck, sorry, do you even care? Do you want to know? Because I need to talk this out with someone, but I can’t really talk to anyone back in-“

“Sure.” Anya said quietly. “It’s not like I have anything better to do.”

Raven stared at her for a while, finding no change in her stoic expression – even her eyes seemed disinterested, and yet she was there, looking at her almost expectantly, and so she sighed and began talking.

She didn’t even notice that they started walking again, or where they went; she just walked, and Anya followed, and she talked. She just let it all out – how Becca was her great-grandmother, how apparently she was part of the tertiary version of the ALIE program, how apparently she was the ‘perfected’ version, and of all the fucked up thoughts and memories in her head.

“And I remember giving birth to myself.”

Anya looked at her, eyebrows raised. “Excuse me?”

“Not me, but like- my mom. I remember her giving birth to me.”

Anya nodded and turned her eyes back to the road ahead of them. “Do you remember everything about her life?”

Raven shuddered, and so Anya knew the answer was a yes.

“I remember things about Lexa, too,” Raven said quietly. “And you’re in some of the memories Becca has of her.”

“I am?”

“Not many, but some. You stayed with Lexa in Polis when she first ascended, right?”

“Yes, I did.”

“And you watched over her.”

“Yes.”

Raven nodded and looked away. “Becca did too.”

Anya was quiet for a while. “Can she come here? To the City?”

“No.”

“Can Lexa?”

“I think so?”

“Can she see me?”

“I don’t think so. I don’t know.”

And then, Anya finally asked the question that had bothered her for far too long. “How am I here?”

“I honestly have no idea.”

“Because I’m not a nightblood…nor did I take the chip.”

“No, you definitely have the chip,” Raven said quickly. “I can sort of…feel it. Well, not feel, but- I don’t know, I just do, okay?”

“I did not take the chip.” Anya insisted.

“Well, it’s in you somehow.”

There was a long moment of silence between them.

“So you’re like Lexa?” Anya asked. “You can see the past commanders?”

Raven shrugged. “Probably? According to Becca, I’m…better? Improved? I don’t know. I don’t care. I just want it to stop.”

“Why? I’d be honoured if I were in your place.”

“No, you wouldn’t.”

Raven didn’t continue, and Anya found herself struggling to find something to say. But she didn’t have to – Raven sensed the tension, and broke it with almost too much ease by sighing and starting to tell Anya about what was going on in the real world.

“I’m contemplating killing Pike, if I’m completely honest,” Raven sighed. “He’s just- he killed 300 of your people, for nothing. And now he’s claiming that he’ll kill you all. It’s like he can’t comprehend the sheer number of you. Guns only get you so far.”

“He sounds like a poor leader.” Anya mused. “But I’m sure Lexa won’t tolerate him for much longer.”

“No, definitely not.”

“Has there been any word from Polis?”

Raven knew Anya was asking about Lexa.

“No, there hasn’t. Clarke’s still there.”

Anya nodded and looked away again, but this time she felt Raven’s gaze on her. She didn’t have to turn her head to see her from the corner of her eye, studying her – she looked puzzled, and when a moment later she stopped abruptly, Anya was left to stare at her in confusion.

“What?”

“You didn’t want to attack us.”

Anya furrowed her brows and crossed her arms across her chest. “What?”

“You didn’t want to attack the dropship.” Raven stammered. “You fought with Lexa about it.”

“What? How do you know about that?”

Raven shook her head and raised a hand to rub at her temple. “Sorry, it’s a memory-“

“And?”

“You didn’t want to kill us.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“But you attacked us anyway.”

“I didn’t want to kill you. But then you blew up that bridge.”

Raven drew in a sharp breath. “I-“

“I understand why. You don’t need to think that I’m angry at your people for it. It was self-defense.”

“Clarke told me what happened. With your…the girl.”

“My second.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It was self-defense.”

“I still killed her.”

Anya stared at her. “You-?”

Raven shifted her eyes, clearly in discomfort of the whole situation. “I built the bomb at the bridge. And I made the fire at the dropship.”

She expected Anya to be mad, to storm off or accuse her of killing so many of her people, and so she looked away, trying to swallow the guilt that had resurfaced once again. But when she heard only silence, she looked back to find Anya staring at her with a hint of awe in her eyes.

“What?” Raven demanded. “You look weird.”

Anya rolled her eyes and started walking again, and Raven ran to catch up to her. “What?”

“You act like you aren’t like me,” Anya said lowly, “And yet you’ve killed hundreds.”

“What do you mean I act like I’m not like you? What are you?”

“A warrior.”

“I’m not a warrior.”

“Yes, you are. It’s in your stance. In your eyes.”

“No, it’s not. I’ve never fought in a battle.”

“You killed dozens at the bridge. You killed hundreds at the drop ship.”

“I never fought them.”

“You killed them nevertheless. Their lives are your burden.”

There was something in Anya’s voice, a twinge of an emotion Raven failed to place, and she was unable to find anything to say. But Anya didn’t expect her to speak – no, she just kept walking, her hands clasped together behind her back as she slowly made her way back across the bridge towards the city, Raven in tow.

The silence lasted for a long while, all the way until they were back at Anya’s apartment. Raven was catching her breath, sprawled out on the couch after having climbed the endless stairs up to the apartment, and Anya stood nearby, leaning on the railing.

"You know, I'm considering never leaving this place."

Anya looked at Raven. "You don't want that."

"Yes, I do."

The older woman huffed and walked over to take a seat on the far end of the couch. "No, you don't."

"Is it so bad here?"

"It's hell."

"Looks like heaven."

"Looks can be deceiving."

"Tell me what it's like."

Anya glanced at Raven, who made a face. "I've been talking all day, it's your turn."

And so Anya sighed. "Fine," she grumbled. "It's awful. It's so quiet, I hate this breeze...it's just too soft. Nothing feels real after a while - the sun rises almost the same, and sets the same, there is no rain, no weather - just sunshine and the wind and the bright nighttime sky. And I've gone through every building, ever apartment, every closet in this damn city, and I'm so bored I could wither away."

"So that's why you follow me around?"

Anya shrugged. "You're not bad company."

"Not bad company? Wow, you know you could just say I'm good company."

"Perhaps."

Raven sighed then. "I'll try and come by more often. If you want."

"Sure."

 

“So you’ll be ok with me coming back?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, then."

They sat in silence, on their respective ends on the couch, and watched as the sun set beyond the horizon. Of all the things in the city, the sunset was one that was always different - Anya always made sure to see it, as well as the sunrise, because clinging to that little variation was like a lifeline to her. Raven watched the sunset, too, and realized what Anya had meant about the silence - even for that brief hour she sat there, she could feel the silence pressing upon her like a weight, like a heavy blanket suffocating her, and the only thing keeping it even slightly better was the constant sound of Anya's breaths beside her. She was three feet from her, but it was so silent that her breaths might as well have been sighs.

It was almost fully dark when Raven finally stood up to go.

"So, um, I'll see you.”

Anya nodded, and Raven disappeared in the blink of an eye, leaving Anya alone once again.

“See you,” she said quietly, turning back to look at the sky. “See you, Raven.”

* * *

The instant Raven was back, she made her way out of the room, out of Arkadia, to the farthest corner of the camp where she thought she could have some peace and fresh air. But no – the instant she’d sat down on a barrel, ALIE appeared in the corner of her field of vision, and she groaned.

“Go away, ALIE.”

ALIE cocked her head slightly. “That’s no way to speak to me.”

“You sound like my mom.”

Raven could’ve sworn she saw the ghost of a glare pass over ALIE’s face, but it was gone before she could truly register what was happening.

“Have you thought about that job that I mentioned?”

In all honesty, Raven had forgotten. But she faked a smile and nodded. “I have some rounds to do tomorrow – I’ll get the keys to get to the mainframe.”

“Excellent.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“Why haven’t I seen you in the city?”

ALIE looked slightly taken aback. “I have been in the city.”

“Have you seen me? Because I’ve spent a lot of time there and you said you’d be there, but you weren’t…”

“I have not seen you.”

“Weird.”

ALIE furrowed her brows. “Are you sure you’re alright, Raven? You seem a little…off, I suppose I could put it like that.”

“How come?”

“You don’t seem as happy as the rest.”

“Trust me, I’m overjoyed.”

“I’ll send Jackson down to talk to you. Maybe the chip isn’t interacting as well as it should.”

“Jackson’s got a chip?”

ALIE actually shifted uncomfortably when Raven asked that. “Yes, he does.”

“I didn’t realize. Weird.”

“How come?”

“He didn’t seem so…brainwashed, I guess you could say.”

“None of you are brainwashed,” ALIE reassured her with a smile. “You can be sure of that.”

Raven felt a headache emerging, a stabbing pain slowly growing in between her brows, and she raised a hand to rub at her forehead.

“Are you alright?”

“Huh? Yeah, just a headache, that’s all-“

A sudden flash of pain ran through Raven’s mind, and for the slightest moment, Raven felt like she wasn’t in control of herself. She felt like she’d been pushed out, forced out somewhere that wasn’t her own body - but that was only a fleeting moment, and then the next second it was gone. She doubled over, groaning at the now throbbing pain in her skull, and missed the astonished and angry look that set itself upon ALIE’s face.

“You’re clearly not well,” ALIE said in her calm tone. “I’ll send Jackson to see you.”

“No, it’s fine, I’ll go to the medical centre myself.”

“You cannot trust Abby,” ALIE told Raven. “She tried to forcefully remove Jaha’s chip. You cannot trust her.”

“She wouldn’t do that.”

“I suggest you speak with Jaha.”

And then ALIE was gone, and Raven’s headache subsided just the slightest bit.

“What the fuck-?”

She stumbled her way back into Arkadia, and went over to the medical centre for a painkiller for the headache that was quite literally splitting her skull. She’d hoped there’d only be a nurse or Jackson, but she was not lucky that day. No, when Raven stepped into the medical centre, she found not only Abby there, but Octavia too – Octavia was getting stitches into a cut on her arm, grumbling curses as Lincoln held her hand and soothed her.

“Oh, hey Raven.” Octavia winced as Abby finished up and began setting up a bandage. “Where’ve you been all day?”

“Sleeping,” Raven sighed. "What happened to you?"

"Training mishap. Nothing big," Octavia shrugged. "Ah, shit, do you _have_ to put so many stitches in?"

"If you want to not bleed out, then yes." Abby muttered. "Now hold still."

“Abby, do you have a painkiller? My head’s killing me," Raven asked.

Abby looked at her in concern. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just a headache. I read too much last night in the dark.”

“That’s a myth, you know that right?” Abby sighed. “Take a seat.”

“No, you don’t need to examine me, I just need a painkiller.”

“You look like you haven’t slept in days. Sit.”

Raven grumbled but took a seat beside Octavia, who was currently trying to assure Lincoln that she’d be fine if he went back to his duties.

“Lincoln, I won’t die if you leave.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. Now go.”

Lincoln gave her a quick kiss before going his way, and Octavia stayed behind to watch as Abby gave Raven a quick checkup. When Abby approached her with a needle, however, Raven backed away.

“Oh, no. You’ve poked and prodded at me enough.”

“Raven, you’re way too pale and your heartbeats really slow. It doesn’t make sense, I can’t even hear a heart murmur anymore.”

“Maybe you’re going deaf.”

“I’m not going deaf. Something’s up.”

“Maybe my body’s decided to fix itself, since it’s clear you’re not going to.”

Abby opened her mouth to argue, but decided against it. She was in no mood to argue with Raven that day.

“Just let me take some blood.”

“No.”

“Raven, you look like hell.”

“So?”

“Your heart’s beating at about fifty beats per minute. That isn’t right.”

“Maybe it is.”

“Raven…”

“Okay, fine. Take the damn blood, but you’re not going to find anything.”

Raven stuck out her arm and looked to the side, and waited for the needle to pierce skin. It did, and it stung, but she refrained from reacting – and then Abby took the needle out, and told her to press on the bandage while she looked for some tape.

“Let’s just change that,” Abby muttered. Raven took the bandage off and expected to see blood oozing out of the little puncture, but there was nothing – there was only maybe one droplet of blood on the bandage in her hand, but Abby took it away before Raven had time to actually register anything.

“Alright, you’re good to go.”

“Um, the painkiller?” Raven asked. “My head is killing me.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Abby, please.”

Abby sighed and went over to retrieve a small pill. “Here. But if I see you having more headaches in the future, I’m taking you back for observation.”

“Why aren’t you doing any of this for the other Jahanites?” Raven asked. “Why just me?”

“You’re the only one who consistently looks like they’ve been to hell and back.”

“Maybe I have.”

“And I’m worried, Raven. Octavia says you’re never around anymore.”

Octavia nodded. “She’s right.”

“I’ve been busy.”

“You’re not even on active duty, Raven. What could you be busy with?”

“I don’t know, not being interrogated by you two?” Raven snapped. “Trust me, I’m fine. I just got a headache, that’s all.”

She went off then without another word, and didn’t even stop on her way back to her room. She didn’t go back to the city, despite the fact that all she really wanted was to get away; she knew it wasn’t healthy to spend so much time there.

The city wasn’t real, after all.

But she also couldn’t deny that the city was infinitely better. In the city, there was no pain for her. There was no responsibility, no guilt, no overwhelming sense of panic with each drawn breath; in the city, she was free like she had never been in her life.

In the city, it didn’t feel like someone was trying to insert a probe into her brain.

Raven laid down on her bed and sighed. She couldn’t deny that she liked Anya’s company. She really did. The statuesque and stoic woman, despite her standoffish exterior, had a depth that Raven wanted to get to the bottom of. She was intriguing, she had a history Raven yearned to know – Anya had met Clarke, had technically died in her arms, and Anya had known Lexa and trained her. She was linked to so many things in Raven’s life now, and yet she had never even heard her mentioned by name. She had seen her from a distance once, through the viewer of a rifle, and even then she'd been intrigued by the Grounder Princess.

Anya wasn’t mean. She may have been very careful with her words and withheld her breath at times, and there may have been little to no emotions shown from her at any given point – but she was fun, funner than Raven had known for a long while. She didn’t judge her, didn’t assume she couldn’t do something – Anya didn’t try to coddle her. Anya didn’t try to do anything.

Anya just was there, and allowed Raven to do as she pleased. It was never that Raven went to the city and asked Anya to come along – Anya just did. She always watched Raven and appeared to know when Raven truly wanted to be alone, but those times were few and far in between; most times Raven didn’t mind her company, wanted it even – it was more fun to explore when there was someone to experience it with.

The questions in Raven’s head grew too great, too vocal, and she groaned again. She thought of Becca, and wondered where she was – and then, without even opening her eyes, she realized Becca was there.

“Did I just conjure you up?” Raven asked, still keeping her eyes shut.

“In theory, yes.”

“What does that mean?”

“You thought of me, which allowed me to slip into your conscious mind.”

“You invaded my mind?”

“No-“

“Sounds like it.”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

“Maybe.”

“Is there something you’re wondering about?”

“Yes,” Raven sighed, sitting up to face the woman. Her great-grandmother, really. “Um…what’s wrong with ALIE? I know you told me about the whole ‘there’s too many people so I'll nuke the Earth’ thing, but she’s being weird. And how does she work? Why can’t I see her in the city? And why does she seem so pissed with me?”

Becca let out a laugh. “If you hadn’t taken her pill, you wouldn’t even see her. The pill she gives to people, the one you have, it…it’s like an extension of her network. She lives off that network, she can see into the minds of everyone in that network-“

“Mine, too?”

“No, not yours.”

“Why not?”

“Because the chip adjusted to your program. I designed it so that the preliminary chip, with it’s own neural networks, could attach to any of the final three versions. On a normal human, the chip expands until it’s nerves reach into your brain and can access your own neural pathways. But with you…your biology has ingrained organically synthesized nanobots of sorts, which build a network of ‘nerves’ as I like to call them, and they will eventually expand to supplement your own nervous system with time. For you, the chip only worked as an activator.”

“So ALIE can’t control me?”

“She can try.” Becca smirked. “Which she might. Have you been having headaches?”

“Yes.”

Becca’s smirk fell. “Bad ones?”

“One bad one today, right after I spoke to ALIE-“

“You need to avoid her.”

“How? She’s _in_ my damn head!”

“You can push her away.”

“How?”

“Just ignore her. She’s vain. She believes she knows best.”

“Sounds like you,” Raven grumbled.

“I did model her after myself, yes.”

Raven sighed and nodded. “Fair enough. Another question, can you see Lexa?”

“Yes, I can. When she is in need of me.”

“Has she been lately?”

“Yesterday.”

“What did you discuss?”

“I cannot disclose that.”

“Is everything alright in Polis? Anything I should know?”

Becca shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “There was an attempt on your friend’s life, and as a result, Lexa was injured. Not badly, thankfully she was wearing her armor so the bullet didn’t-“

“Bullet!?” Raven interjected. “Did you say bullet?”

“Yes.”

“But guns aren’t allowed in Polis?”

“This one was smuggled, and the perpetrator is due for execution the day after the next.”

“Well that’s good. I suppose. Is Clarke okay?”

“She was not injured.”

Raven waved a hand. “Not that. Is she okay, since Lexa’s hurt-?”

“Are you implying something?”

“I don’t know, am I? What do you know?”

Becca smiled. “You know exactly what’s going on, don’t you?”

“Tell me and we’ll see.”

“Clarke and Lexa are involved.”

“Knew it. Called it ages ago.”

Becca looked at Raven curiously, but Raven missed it.

“So basically, everyone who’s hooked up to ALIE’s network shares one city,” Raven began after a while, “And then there’s the commander, who can visit her own version…?”

“Actually, Lexa has no access to the city as of now. The mainframe – the backpack ALIE has, a similar one – malfunctioned. And the city is of no use to the commanders, since they only wish to use the knowledge of their predecessors, who they can only see in the midspace.”

“The midspace is what you’re in now?”

“Yes.”

“Then why do I have access to the city? If it’s not ALIE’s city-“

“You are your own mainframe, Raven,” Becca said. “Your brain, your heart, your muscles – they all support not only you but your form of the city.”

“Then riddle me this – how is Anya in my city?”

“Lexa was her second, yes?”

“Yes.”

“I suppose, if she ever managed to get even a drop of Lexa’s blood into her – which I imagine isn’t very hard to make happen – the nanobots could have just slightly altered her bloodstream so that when the chip was inserted into her, she was stuck into a secondary version of the city, which then merged with you when you created your own.”

“Okay, hold on. You’re not making any sense. Slow down. Created my own?”

“Yes, when ALIE brought you to the city, the first instance it was her city. Her version, one which all of those with the chip could access. But then when she left, I’d imagine your own biology kicked in – you probably felt a great big adrenaline rush, didn’t you?”

Raven shrugged. “I just thought that was because I was excited.”

Becca smiled. “Perhaps it was both.”

“But tell me more.”

“Your version of the city is like an improved copy of ALIE’s. ALIE’s program isn’t built to sustain the secondary program, so if Anya in any way had even one fragment of a nanobot in her, her consciousness would’ve latched onto your version of the city and essentially jumped on board.”

“So I basically kidnapped her.”

“Technically, yes.”

“But she couldn’t tell the difference?”

“As I said, it’s a very detailed copy.”

Raven sighed. “You’re giving me another headache.”

“That may be ALIE again.”

“Why would she want to hijack my brain?”

“She doesn’t understand you, Raven. She knew about a secondary program, but a third – no, there’s no way she could know. And because she doesn’t understand, she wants to learn. She’s built to understand. She won’t stop.”

“Great. I have a world-destroying nuke-loving evil AI copy of my great-grandma trying to invade my brain. My week is starting off so great.”

“You’ll manage,” Becca reassured her. “She isn’t so strong yet.”

“Yet?”

“Each new member of her city gives her network strength.”

“Shit,” Raven groaned. “You’re going to tell me I have to stop her, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t want to play the hero.”

“Nobody ever does, Raven.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anya has a crush. raven definitely has a crush.  
> i love these two idiots too much but i'm making this the slowest of burns because there's so much explaining to do with the CoL story


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ranya is life and i just HAD to write more even though i really should be studying for my exams but eh meh ranya is life

A week passed, and Raven’s headaches grew worse. They weren’t there always, only coming around at times, a stabbing invisible probe attempting to drill itself in between her two temporal lobes at the most inopportune times.

Evidently, ALIE really needed that control.

Raven had no intentions of relinquishing it.

Two weeks passed, and she learned to ignore the pains, to focus on the day and push through. Her nights she spent in the city with Anya, though that left her feeling only half-slept at all times and looking like she’d gone to hell and back. Her eyes were red and she had dark circles under her eyes, but she didn’t care. Octavia was off somewhere trying to manage Pike’s mess, and hadn’t been back for more than day or two at a time, so she didn’t know about Raven’s regression. Had she known, she would’ve been mad.

Anya was growing on Raven. Or, rather, Raven was growing on Anya. They actually had conversations now, and sometimes Raven just sat around while Anya sparred with invisible enemies, swinging a staff around at blinding speeds. Sometimes she just laid on the grass while Anya did her whittling, making random little objects out of blocks of wood using the tiniest movements of the blade, over and over again in a lulling fashion.

Sometimes she just slept. At first, Anya had usually left Raven to her own devices when she woke up, but after a while, Raven began waking up to find Anya still there. She never talked about it, but sometimes she was awake and only pretended to sleep, and could feel Anya’s eyes on her.

But she never brought it up. There were things the stoic woman talked about, and the things she didn’t talk about. Whatever reason she had to stare at her and spend so much time with her, it certainly belonged to the second group of topics.

Sometimes it felt to Raven as though they were friends, then not. Anya sure tolerated her, and sometimes even cracked a smile at a joke or something funny Raven did – but she also withdrew to her own devices without explanation, leaving Raven wondering whether she actually cared that much for her or whether she was just a convenient way to pass the time.

Three weeks passed, and Raven wished for the sweet release of death to finally allow her to stay in the city forever.

Her headaches were worse – near constant now, and almost impossible to ignore. Octavia was back again, and so she couldn’t spend nearly as much time in the city as she wished. Pike had declared war on Polis and on Grounders alike. There was a blockade being set up to keep their people from marching on the Grounder capital. Several grounder villages from around Arkadia had been wiped out.

War was brewing, and that only added to Raven’s already existing headache.

Four weeks passed, and Raven was tired.

“Raven, you look like shit.”

That was what Octavia greeted her with nowadays. It was meant to be a joke, and Raven usually forced a smile or a laugh, and Octavia did too – but it wasn’t a light time for anyone, and jokes felt forced and heavy and dull.

“Did you sleep at all last night?”

Raven bit her tongue. “Yes, I did, but not much. Spent half the night fixing stun-batons for Pike’s idiotic crusade.”

Octavia glanced around. “Shush. You don’t want people hearing.”

“What will they do? I’m still working for his cause, but only because I have to or I’ll get killed. Though now, that doesn’t sound so-“

“Raven, no."

“I’m only kidding.”

“I can’t tell anymore,” Octavia sighed. “Have you been to the city?”

In truth, that was where Raven had been all night. She and Anya had climbed atop the big hill overlooking the lake to watch the sunrise, and she’d helped Anya climb up a tree so they could be as high as they could be. A branch had fallen off beneath her feet, and they’d been stuck for awhile, until Anya had maneuvered her way down past Raven and helped her all the way back down.

The ghost of Anya’s strong hands around her waist still lingered, and Raven felt her face grow hot again at the memory of how she’d stumbled and fallen even further into Anya’s arms, and how she’d caught her with ease – but she’d withdrawn quickly, with a bunch of apologies, and left soon after.

“No, not really,” Raven lied to Octavia. “I visited a little bit, but I got bored.”

“Good.”

Octavia didn't know about Anya. Nobody did, save for Becca, and even she barely knew.

There was a long moment of silence as Octavia studied Raven, noting her absent expression and the hollowness in her eyes.

“Raven, are you sure you’re alright?”

“Why?”

“You really look awful. And you never smile anymore. Are you in pain again?”

“I told you, O, it doesn’t bother me anymore.”

“Abby disagrees with you.”

“Well, Abby doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

“Why do you always get so defensive when we talk about this? I’m worried about you, Raven.”

Raven sighed. “Look, O…I’m fine. I don’t need you, or Abby, or anyone to coddle me. I’m not a baby.”

“You resorted to drugs to get rid of your pain.”

“What do you know about my pain? Hmm? Do you really think I wouldn’t have chosen any other option had there been one?”

Octavia was silent, and Raven bit back a snark. She didn’t want to fight. She was too tired.

“You really shouldn’t spend so much time in the city,” Octavia muttered. “It’s changing you.”

“You know what?” Raven snapped. “I’m done. I’m done with you being so condescending about _my_ choices, about _my_ life. It’s _my_ problem, and I fixed it.”

“Can’t you see it’s killing you?”

“Killing me?” Raven laughed. “I’ve never felt more alive, O. Never, not even back on the Ark.”

“You’re not the same.”

“Then get used to this, because this is what I like to be, O,” Raven sighed. Tears were stinging at her eyes, and she didn’t know why – she was upset again, she was tired, she didn’t want to fight but Octavia didn’t understand and didn’t seem to want to try, and it just frustrated her to no end.

“You’ll get over this,” Octavia said quietly. “We’ll get over this.”

Raven rolled her eyes and got up without another word, and with wavering legs made her way through the bustling halls, dodging people until she finally shut the door to her room and was met with comforting silence.

She only barely made it to her bed before she had already collapsed, but she wasn’t going to sleep – no, the instant her eyes were shut, she was there no longer, but in the city.

It was late afternoon, judging by the sun in the sky, and had Raven paid more attention, she would’ve noticed clouds gathering overhead as she made her way into Anya’s home from the balcony she’d appeared on.

She heard some clattering in the kitchen, and walked in to find Anya sitting on the counter, sipping water, looking surprised that she was there.

“You’re back already,” she stated as she slid off of the counter and placed the mug down on the table.

“You want me to go?”

Anya shook her had slightly. “No, I’m just surprised. Usually you’re gone the days and here for the nights.”

Raven nodded and turned her eyes away. “I’m tired.”

“Then rest.”

But there was hesitation in Raven’s entire countenance, and so Anya moved over and walked past her. “Let’s walk.”

And Raven followed her without question. Outside, clouds had covered the sky, and Anya was actually surprised to find it so – she glanced at Raven, expecting the girl to comment on the change in weather, but saw her chewing her lip, her eyes fixed on the ground, shoulders slumped forward and making her appear smaller than she was. She didn’t have to ask to know Raven was upset.

They walked for a while in silence till they came to the lake, where they began walking along it's shore. Anya wondered what could've rendered Raven so quiet, so solemn, and couldn't help but notice the rapid growth of the clouds in the sky overhead.

She heard Raven sniffle, and from the corner of her eye saw her hand raise up to her face, evidently to wipe away a tear.

And that was when the first raindrop fell.

It was cold against Anya’s forehead, like a splash of ice against her skin, and she froze in place.

“What?” Raven asked, her voice small and quiet. “Why’d you stop?”

Rain began falling around them, and Raven noticed it too – first it was slight and gentle, the water beside them still as ever and the droplets leaving little rings onto it’s dark surface. There was a little drizzling sound as rain fell from the sky, from the sky that Anya had never seen anything but clear blue and white wafty clouds in – it was now overcast, grey and dark and looming over them, and it was raining and almost cold.

“It’s raining?” Raven asked, astonished, forgetting for a moment about the heavy weight on her chest. “It’s…what?”

“This shouldn’t be happening,” Anya muttered. “This never happens.”

But then Raven let out a sob, and the skies grumbled, letting loose all their force – the light rain turned into a downpour, drenching them in seconds, and thunder bellowed around them as lightning struck on the other side of the lake.

“We should go,” Anya said, moving over to get back into the city and hopefully inside some building. But Raven didn’t move; she was standing there, arms wrapped tightly around herself, sobbing quietly, head hung over her chest and hair sticking to her face as water poured over her.

“Raven?”

Thunder struck again, and Anya jumped slightly at the booming sound that echoed in the hills around them. Disregarding Raven’s sobs, she grabbed her arm and began dragging her along, but Raven felt heavy and with a glance Anya saw her legs were wavering. She wasn't moving fast enough for her liking, and the icy cold water splashing against her skin and drenching her clothes was unpleasant to say the least.

With a huff, Anya crouched before Raven, gesturing for her to get on her back. “Come on. It’s cold.”

Raven’s eyes were blurry from tears, chest breaking with painful sobs, but she saw Anya’s gesture and heard her words and carefully climbed onto her back, letting out a little gasp amidst sobs when Anya’s arms wrapped around her legs and picked her up piggyback with far too much ease. She put her hands on Anya’s shoulders, not daring to wrap her arms around her neck, and bit her lip to make the sobs stop. But it didn’t help – she felt powerless and weak, misunderstood and alone, and so she cried while Anya hurried back to the city and into an abandoned apartment building. They climbed a few floors, Raven’s quiet sobs echoing in the empty staircase, until Anya found an apartment she knew. There, she let Raven down, and watched quietly as Raven made her way to the couch and curled up in the corner.

She didn’t quite know what to do. She didn’t understand why she didn’t just leave – it was obvious Raven wanted to be alone, or that was what Anya told herself, but she couldn’t bring herself to physically open the door and walk out. Raven was trembling, shivering even, and so after a while of just standing there like an idiot, Anya went over to drape a blanket over her.

She withdrew her hands quickly, but not quickly enough – Raven’s fingers wrapped around her wrist, and Anya looked at her in question, the touch burning like the wildfire coursing through her veins that was lit the instant she saw Raven’s teary eyes looking into her own with a plea held within them.

“Do you have to go?” Raven asked quietly.

To that, Anya answered: “Do you want me to?”

And Raven shook her head, letting go of her wrist, and so Anya sat down on the couch, not touching Raven in any way but still close enough for it to be comfortable.

The pain in her heart when she’d seen Raven’s tears made little to no sense to her. The desire she had to shed a few tears as well made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

The warm tingling of her skin where Raven’s fingers had held her wrist made the least sense.

She sat there in silence and listened to Raven’s sniffles and whimpers and sobs, and to the rain and thunder outside. It was more than obvious that the two were linked; each sob that left Raven’s chest resulted in a lightning-strike and a roar of thunder outside, each whimper accompanied by a rush of howling wind, each sniffle the rattle of water against the windows, blowing from the sky as though the world was determined to push into the apartment. Each tear that fell down Raven’s cheek was a million raindrops outside, and Anya now recalled that she’d noted the rain to taste a little salty.

_Raven’s crying, and so is the world._

Anya knew that Raven was linked to the city, but never before had she realized that Raven had control over the city. And now it was so obvious, and she was in awe of the power this girl held; she didn’t even know the extent of Raven’s control, but just the fact that she had created a thunderstorm by simply being upset was awestriking to Anya.

After a long while the thunder eased off, and though the rain outside remained, Raven’s sobs and crying ceased. She still remained there, in the corner of the couch, head resting back against the couch and eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. There was a single tear caught in her lashes, shining like a diamond, and for a moment Anya considered reaching over to brush it off.

But then Raven blinked and wiped at her eyes, and uncurled from the ball she’d curled up into and shuffled over a little, so close her thigh almost touched Anya’s – there was barely an inch or two between them, and Anya could feel the warmth of Raven against her own leg, and the tension there was unfathomable to her.

“Sorry,” Raven muttered, “I just- it gets to be too much, sometimes.”

Anya weighed her options for a moment before replying. “What does?”

“You want to know?”

Anya wasn’t so sure why admitting that she did made her feel so vulnerable, but she nodded anyway.

And Raven, equally as confused about the fact that Anya was still there, calm and kind and understanding, told her.

“I feel alone,” she said quietly. “Octavia doesn’t understand, Abby doesn’t understand, no one does. They all think I’ve broken myself, that I’ve done something wrong, that I need to be fixed – they baby me, coddle me, and it makes me feel so weak, and my head hurts and I don’t know what I’m doing with anything and I’m so tired, and I just want to get out of Arkadia but now there’s the blockade and war and I’m stuck…I feel powerless.”

Anya was looking at her carefully, and turned her face away to stare at the wall. “Sounds awful.”

“I hate it. I don’t want to-“ Raven sighed. “I want to stay here.”

“You don’t want that.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Why?”

“My leg doesn’t hurt here. My leg works here,” Raven muttered.

“Your leg?”

Raven realized then that she hadn’t ever told Anya about her leg. “Back in the real world, by leg’s busted. Got shot and lost control over it. It’s basically dead painful weight.”

“I didn't know that.”

“Yeah.”

“But having a good leg isn’t worth this,” Anya said quietly. “I’d give anything to leave.”

“Nobody judges me here,” Raven replied. “No one- well, it’s only you here. And you’re…”

She didn’t finish her sentence, and Anya refused to admit to herself that she wished she had.

Instead of speaking, Raven took a risk. A big risk, she had no idea how she’d be received, but she was tired and she trusted Anya.

And so she shuffled a little closer, so that her leg touched Anya’s, and rested her head on her shoulder. She felt Anya jump a little at the touch, but when the woman neither recoiled or told her to move away, she smiled gently to herself.

Had she seen Anya’s face then, she would’ve seen a smile on her lips.

“This okay?” Raven asked quietly.

Anya was quiet for a while. “I suppose it is.”

And after that, they said little to nothing for a long while. The rain outside fell steadily, a grey curtain across the city, trickling down along the windows in little rivers, and all else was silent. Anya focused on keeping herself still, on keeping Raven there for as long as she could; the girl’s head was resting on her shoulder so natural and comfortable, so oddly intimate it almost felt electric. Anya didn’t know what to do.

A long while later the rain eased up till it was just drizzling, and Anya then realized that Raven was asleep. Still not daring to move, but feeling a little drowsy herself, Anya first rested her head back against the couch to sleep as well. But it was uncomfortable, as was any other position she tried, until she carefully rested her head against Raven’s and found it to be more comfortable than any other. Raven's hairs tickled her cheek, but it was comfortable, and soon enough, she fell asleep as well.

Sleeping was a rare occasion for Anya. She couldn't recall the last time she'd slept, but with Raven, she felt safe enough to slip away for a moment.

She woke up a long while later to find herself alone in the apartment.

She wasn’t sad that Raven was gone. She knew she’d be back, and with the warmth in her chest and the scent of Raven lingering around her, she got up and went outside into the street. The ground was wet and shining in the sunshine, the skies clear once again – but she could still smell the rain, the change in the air, and let out a sigh that carried more weight to her than it should’ve.

She recalled a saying her people had, one which she’d pondered over many a time in her past.

_And then there are the whirlwinds, the people who storm into your life and change it for all of ever._

_You really should try to avoid them._

_But that’s not how whirlwinds work. You won’t know you’re in their path till they’ve hit you. And then it's too late._

She prayed Raven wasn’t one, but she knew she was. Raven had quite literally burst into not her life but what she’d regarded as her afterlife, and now she was changing everything with the littlest of gestures. 

It was like she wasn't even trying to. But she certainly had wormed her way into Anya's mind, settled herself behind her eyelids so that each time she closed her eyes, she saw her bright smile and shining eyes; each thought that ran through her mind was accompanied with a fleeting wonder about Raven, about what she may be doing in that moment, and it was agonizing to say the least.

She missed Raven.

She'd never missed anyone, but Anya realized then that she most certainly missed the snarky dirty-mouthed Skaikru girl who told awful jokes and acted like an idiot half the time and yet managed to be the smartest person Anya had ever met in her life. No, she would've never guessed that she'd wish for Raven's company.

But she did, and so she settled herself on the wet grass of her favorite park, overlooking the lake, and laid there in wait for Raven.

She knew she'd be back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and they touched. boom. they're practically in love by this point tbh.  
> adorable idiots with electric chemistry. it's perfect.


	7. Chapter 7

A week more, and Raven was damn well losing her mind.

Not only was Pike literally trying to get everyone killed – well, at least that was how Raven perceived it – her headaches were getting progressively worse. She hadn’t seen ALIE at all, and all the Jahanites (as she’d dubbed them) were actively avoiding her. She’d managed to evade Octavia’s snide remarks and worried glances by hiding out in her room, spending most of her time sleeping and thus out of anyone's reach.

Becca was also oddly absent, but Raven didn’t mind that. She had no need for her mind-boggling questions and answers and that confusingly warm look that set into Becca’s eyes whenever she saw her.

She’d left the city in a hurry when she’d woken up with her head resting in Anya’s lap. Anya’s hands were on her head, fingers laced in her hair, and she had been asleep as well, and so Raven had panicked and disappeared before Anya woke up and realized how close they were.

It had taken her almost an hour to calm her racing heart.

Anya was beautiful, Anya was everything, Anya was kind and oddly warm and Anya did not coddle her. Anya was calm in her sleep, Anya’s hands were gentle and yet so strong; Anya followed Raven through every idiotic adventurous idea, Anya knew how to climb trees, how to kick ass – Anya was so much and more and Raven couldn’t stop thinking about her.

She wanted to kiss her, so badly she almost felt like she’d burst at just the thought of her lips against her own. But Anya was as cool as ever, and Raven dared not to assume that the feelings, the interest, that any of it would be reciprocal; Anya was older than her, six years at least, and far more mature and sophisticated. There was no way she’d be interested in her, that was what Raven told herself, and so she forced herself to hide the blushes and cut the lingering stares short, to remain strictly platonic with her because that’s what she thought Anya wanted.

Little did she know that Anya was fighting the same desires.

Raven was cute and pretty and smelled nice, and made Anya’s head spin in ways both good and bad. She spoke so fast that Anya barely caught on what her plans were till she was suddenly whisked away with her, and she had no qualms with being dragged around like so.

Whenever she caught herself smiling too much, or talking too much, or even just looking for too long, she stopped and retreated to her normal self.

Raven was young. Raven was free.

She was misinterpreting her feelings for Raven, surely, just as much as she was misinterpreting Raven’s apparent flirting with her.

Raven didn’t want to be chained to her like that.

“Hey, you know…”

Anya blinked, having momentarily slipped into her own thoughts and forgotten about Raven altogether. “Yes?”

Raven was laying on the grass next to her, and Anya was all-too aware of the fact that her shirt had ridden up and was exposing most of her stomach. She was toying with a blade of grass, eyes fixed on the sky, legs raised up with her legs crossed at the ankles. Her shoes were off somewhere, and her bare toes wiggled in an irregular pattern, drawing out small circles against the blue of the sky above.

“You’re alive.”

Anya sighed. “We’ve gone over this a million times.”

“Once more can’t hurt.”

“We know I’m alive, but have no idea where my body is, or how I ended up here, or why I have the chip.”

“That’s a good summary,” Raven admitted, placing the blade of grass atop her nose and giving Anya a slight grin, “But are you _sure_ you can’t remember anything?”

“The last thing I recall is being shot outside your camp.”

Raven nodded slightly. “Fair enough. But how on earth…right, you’ve gotta be in a coma somewhere, but someone had to take you away and save you – Clarke thought you were dead, after all, and- well, she’s almost a doctor.”

“Not a very good one,” Anya muttered, recalling her late second.

“Hey, she did try.”

“She did, but that doesn’t change the fact that my second died at her hands.”

Raven frowned just the slightest bit. “If you think about it, she died at my hands.”

“I didn’t mean-“

“I know you didn’t,” Raven sighed. “And, to be fair, I did almost shoot you.”

“Yes, you told me about that. Why didn’t you?”

Raven let out a laugh. “I just missed. You moved pretty fast.”

“Call it instinct,” Anya told her.

“But seriously,” Raven began again, “You’ve got to be in a coma somewhere. And someone has to be maintaining you – if your physical body died, you would disappear from here.”

“Yes, yes,” Anya grumbled, “You’ve explained this city to me a million times and I still don’t get it. It’s useless.”

“If it helps, I don’t understand it either – all I know that you were only partially part of ALIE’s city, not visible to any other visitors because of some alteration in your biology or malfunction of the chip – and now, when I came along, you transfixed to my copy because it’s more compatible.”

Anya nodded. “Makes sense.”

“I don’t know what the city is, really. I don’t think Becca knows either.”

“It’s hell, that’s what it is,” Anya grumbled, turning over to lay on her stomach. In doing so, she rolled over so that she was suddenly much closer to Raven than what she’d intended, and she suddenly grew very tense. But Raven didn’t pay much notion to the sudden proximity – no, she pulled up a dandelion and began twirling it between her fingers, brows furrowed in concentration.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Trying to figure where you could be,” Raven muttered. “And if we could get you back.”

The sudden glimmer of hope left Anya’s heart skipping a few beats, and her astonishment wasn’t missed by Raven.

“I’m serious,” she said, setting the flower down and rising up a little to look at Anya. “If we find your body, we can probably get you out of the coma and back into the real world.”

“Really?”

“Probably.”

For a fleeting moment, Anya thought about closing the distance between them – Raven was smiling, her lips curved in the prettiest of ways, enticing to look at and almost hypnotizing with their slight redness and apparent soft appearance. The fleeting moment grew into a long while, and Raven noticed her gaze had shifted lower, but said nothing, not even when Anya cleared her throat and turned her head away.

Anya said nothing, and so Raven didn’t either.

She’d noticed similar moments before.

They’d be having fun, talking and smiling and just being comfortable, and then Anya’s smile would fade away and she’d turn away, look away, and Raven would be left confused. She didn’t confront Anya about it, not at first – but there are only so many times that Raven Reyes lets herself be shrugged off and ignored.

“Anya, look at me,” Raven huffed when she’d finally had enough, three days after the exchange at the park.

They were standing in the middle of the street, Anya a few feet from her, back turned to Raven. They’d been walking side by side till Anya had abruptly stopped talking and moved on to walk faster, as though she wanted to get away from Raven. But this was the last time Raven would let that happen. She didn’t understand what was going on, and she desperately wanted to.

“What?” Anya snapped, turning around to look at Raven. She was annoyed, but not at Raven; she was annoyed at herself for allowing herself to slip into that comfort again, for allowing that single thought, that single desire to be closer to Raven, to resurface once again.

“You- how can you go from smiling and talking to just silence so quick? Did I do something?”

Anya grumbled and rolled her eyes. “No, you didn’t.”

“Then explain to me why you refuse to talk to me for more than a minute at a time.”

“I don’t know.”

“It wasn’t like this last week,” Raven muttered. “Something’s changed, and if I’ve done something wrong, I’d like to know.”

“You haven’t done anything wrong.”

Raven eyed Anya, annoyance apparent in her figure, and then just decided to go for it. She needed answers, and so she asked the questions.

“What are we?”

“What are we?”

“Yes, answer me. What are we? You and I? Friends?”

Anya shrugged. “I don’t know, I guess.”

 “See? You’re- you don’t seem like you really care, and yet you never leave my side when I’m here-“

“Do you want me to?” Anya asked. “Leave your side, I mean?”

Raven faltered before answering. “No?”

“That’s what I thought.”

“And then again with being all cryptic!” Raven cried. “Jesus, you’re so confusing I don’t even know where to start.”

“I can assure you, you’re just as confusing.”

“How?” Raven demanded taking a step towards Anya, who instinctively backed up as Raven came nearer. “How am I confusing?”

“You just are.”

And then Raven paused, and saw that Anya was quieter than she’d expect, seeing as she was yelling – no, Anya was almost entirely silent, and Raven now recognized something in her countenance which she’d never seen before.

She was vulnerable, and visibly so, even if that visibility was just slight.

“What-“ Raven began. “Why are you so-“

And then it hit her. All her lingering looks, stolen glances and secret thoughts, all of those she’d pushed away and forced herself to stop in belief that Anya had no care for her in that fashion. But now she had her cornered, backed up against a car, and Anya was making no move to get away – no, she just stood there, watching Raven, _waiting_ for her, and Raven saw she only had two choices.

_Kiss her, or don’t._

And Raven was not one for second guesses.

Anya, no matter how much she may have known her growing liking for Raven, did not expect to feel as overwhelmed as she did when Raven’s small hands grabbed the collar of her shirt and pushed her against the car, her lips engulfing hers thoroughly and with passion – no, Anya did not expect to feel like the world stopped in that instant, nor did she ever think that her heart would feel like it’d explode.

She never thought any of it would happen.

And yet there she was, with Raven kissing her, and she was yet to move – after a while, Raven realized that Anya wasn’t kissing her back, and withdrew quickly, an apology forming on her lips before Anya even had time to react.

“I’m sorry, I-“

She disappeared in the next instant.

Anya was left there to lean against the car and try to regain her breath.

She’d never felt as weak as she did now. Her head was literally spinning, and she raised a hand to her temple to rub as though she were getting  a headache – but all she really knew was that her lips tasted like Raven’s, the feel of Raven’s hands holding the collar of her shirt still there, the ghost of her touch lingering in every cell of Anya’s being.

She did not understand how she’d managed to get this way. Raven was just…Raven. She was young and snarky and witty and so incredibly annoying, and she just- it didn’t make any sense. She’d never, _ever_ cared for romance, never thought it’d be for her; she was perfectly fine on her own.

She'd always thought that love was a choice, that she could push it away if it ever came her way. 

But there was no choice. Raven had wormed her way into her life, and Anya had no say in the matter – she was in almost every thought, every lingering wonder and daydream, and she wouldn’t leave. She had stolen her breath and her senses with that one kiss, that brief touch that had simply melted her core and made her feel so warm and left her wanting for more, for all of it.

Too warm, even. Anya now raised her hand to her cheek, and felt it was hot – a glance at the car’s mirror confirmed that her cheeks were pink, pink when they had never before been. She didn’t blush. She never blushed.

No, she certainly did not.

_“Shof op,”_ Anya muttered to herself, _“Shof op.”_

But while the city was silent, her mind and her heart was not.

She hadn’t realized it could even happen, not really. She’d certainly seen that Raven was pretty, and caught herself staring more often than not; but she’d thought Raven wasn’t interested, convinced herself that she _couldn’t_ be _–_ how could she, when Anya was almost six years her elder, standoffish and quiet, unable to even properly carry a conversation – how on any earth could she have thought that Raven would see her in that way?

No, she hadn’t thought that. She’d perhaps dreamt of it, but only briefly before forcing herself to stop.

And then Raven had gone and kissed her, and all her hard work to make herself stop feeling for this idiotic annoying girl was shattered in that one simple kiss.

 

* * *

 

Raven woke up to pounding fists at her door and a pounding heart in her chest. With a groan she got up, and yanked her door open to allow an exasperated Octavia to practically fall into her room.

“What the hell?” she grumbled on her way back to lie on her bed. “What now?”

“I just came to check on you,” Octavia muttered, “But you don’t need to be so mean.”

Raven sighed, the taste of Anya’s lips still lingering on hers, and forced herself to focus on the present. “I’m fine, O.”

“You sound weird.”

“I’m fine.”

“And your cheeks are red. Are you sick?”

Raven let out a sigh. “I wish.”

“What?”

“No, I’m fine, O.” _I’m freaking out, though, I just kissed Anya and I think I fucked up but I can’t tell you because you wouldn’t understand._

She wanted to tell Octavia what had happened. She wanted Octavia to know.

But she knew Octavia would’ve told her even more adamantly that the city was bad, that she couldn’t live in her dreams, and that she certainly couldn’t be having feelings for a person in a dream.

Octavia’s cool hand touched her forehead, and Raven didn’t push her away.

“Are you sure? You feel a little warm.”

“Yeah,” Raven said. “I’m-“

The nagging headache that had been poking at her brain suddenly exploded in her head, and for the briefest of moments, all Raven saw was blinding whiteness – and then she was there, in her room, standing in the corner and watching herself, Octavia’s hand still on her forehead.

“What the fuck?”

But Octavia didn’t hear her, no – instead, Raven saw herself sit up, her posture different from her own, a little smirk on her lips as they parted and spoke words that were carried by her voice and yet were definitely not hers.

“I’m perfectly alright, Octavia.”

They were too enunciated. Too perfect.

_ALIE_.

“What’ve you been up to?”

Octavia started talking about her day, and Raven tried to make her stop – she went over to the bed, tried to touch her own body, but her hand passed through without any effect. She glared at ALIE, at her own self, but it had no effect.

_Get out,_ Raven thought, over and over again. _Get the fuck out of my body._

She glared, and fury built up inside her, and until suddenly there was another flash of blinding pain and she was in her own body again. Only she wasn't alone - for the briefest of moments, she and ALIE were both inside her head, both fighting for control, causing flashes of pain to course through her body's veins as they did.

Raven cried out, words forming before she even knew: “Get out of my head, now!”

It felt like her brain was on fire, and she crumbled, doubling in pain so quickly Octavia yelped and leapt backwards, sending the chair clattering to the floor.

“Raven!” Octavia cried. “What happened?”

ALIE disappeared then, out of her head and out of the room, and Raven felt the pain only increase with her departure. She groaned and held her head, trying to steady her breathing. “Gimme a painkiller. Now.”

Octavia scrambled over to the nightstand and grabbed a pill, and Raven didn’t even wait for water before she’d thrown it in her mouth and swallowed it.

“Raven, you’re not okay-“

“Octavia, can you shut up!?” Raven snapped, flopping back on the bed with her hands still on her head. “Just…shut up.”

“I’m getting Ab-“

“No!” Raven cried. “No, don’t. I’ll be fine in a few minutes, trust me.”

She laid there for a long time, closer to twenty minutes, till the headache subsided and the painkiller kicked in. She wasn’t too surprised to find Octavia still there, watching her carefully, fiddling with her hands as though she wasn’t so sure where to put them.

“I’m okay now,” Raven muttered.

“What the fuck’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Raven, you told someone to ‘get out of your head’. That’s not nothing.”

Raven sighed, and then groaned. “Look, I haven’t told you everything because it’s fucked up, but basically the mega-bitch ALIE can’t control me and she’s trying and she just got into my head and kicked me out and oh my god I think I’m gonna vomit-“

Octavia grabbed a trash can, and just in time – the next second Raven was spewing out her insides, and it took a long while of heaving till she settled back down again, now exhausted and dizzy and more than in pain.

“ALIE?” Octavia asked then, her voice still quiet and careful. “The…the woman they can see?”

Raven nodded.

“You can see her?”

Another nod.

“You told Abby you couldn’t. You lied?”

Raven nodded, once again, and Octavia groaned. “Raven—“

“It’s not a hallucination, it’s a real thing, and I promise I’ll explain everything, but I _really_ need to sleep. I’m exhausted.”

“I’ll stay here.”

“Octavia, no.”

“Yes.”

“No, Octavia, listen. I-“

Raven faltered again, a memory entering her mind that she did not recognize.

It wasn’t hers.

It wasn’t her mothers, it wasn’t Clara’s, and it wasn’t Becca’s.

No, this was ALIE’s memory. And it seemed very, very important.

“Raven, what-?”

“Shh.”

Raven shut her eyes and focused, and thankfully, Octavia shut up.

 

* * *

 

 

_She stood outside Arkadia._

_It was dark, it was cold, and there was a commotion not twenty feet from where she stood. Raven could see two figures, one lying on the ground, the other crouched before them, hands pressed to the laying one’s stomach as the one on the ground muttered out some words._

_She heard Clarke’s voice._

_“No, you’re okay, no-“_

_But the head of the one laying on the ground, whom Raven now realized was Anya, slumped backwards, and Clarke let out a cry._

_And then there were bright lights, and Clarke was grabbed, as was Anya, and Raven moved along with the man whom ALIE was following._

_And then suddenly she stood inside Arkadia, beside Jackson in the medical centre, overlooking Anya’s body._

_“Take her away,” Raven heard herself say in ALIE's cold voice, “Somewhere safe. She isn’t dead yet, and dr. Griffin seems preoccupied with her daughter.”_

_Jackson nodded. “She’s unconscious, her pulse is barely there, but she’s definitely alive. How do you propose I-“_

_“Take her outside to cremate her or something. I’ll have a few guards assist. But keep her alive.”_

_Another nod, and the next thing Raven knew, she was in some cave, watching Jackson cut into Anya’s skin and dig out the bullet._

_“Close call,” he muttered as he began stitching Anya up, “Another inch and she’d be dead.”_

_“She has to stay alive,” ALIE said, “She can be leverage, she can get us access to the Commander.”_

_“Yes, I understand.”_

_Once Anya was stitched up and apparently well enough, she was put into a cart, into which Jackson and ALIE climbed as well._

_ALIE didn’t climb, though. She simply appeared in the cart when she wished. Being in her body, which wasn’t really a body at all, was strange to Raven. It was airy and she feared a slight gust of wind would blow her into pieces, but she was still there, and time passed strangely – though to Raven it only seemed like a few minutes had passed, she knew in her mind that the travel had been a week long when they finally came to a halt before a hatch in the ground._

_Anya was lowered into the hatch, and taken into a prepared medical room inside what looked like a bunker, and laid on her stomach on the bed._

_“Put the chip in her,” ALIE said. “I want to control her.”_

_Raven almost vomited when she saw Jackson cut into Anya’s neck and implant a chip into her muscle, the little tentacle-like nerves of the chip stretching out and burrowing into Anya’s skin. But then, a strange thing happened – the chip flashed a blue light, and Raven felt anger in ALIE’s mind._

_Something had gone wrong._

_“She’s not all human,” ALIE growled, “She’s- she’s not right.”_

_Jackson let out a noise. “I didn’t do anything wrong, I swear-“_

_“Just close her up.”_

_And then Anya was set up on various wires and needles and god knows what, and Raven oversaw it all – and then, when she thought everything was done, she was in the city, but it wasn’t her city – she felt the difference, and knew this was ALIE’s city, somehow plain and cold and void of any true color._

_Anya stood on the bridge, alone and confused._

_ALIE stood there, and watched, and through her eyes, Raven watched her too._

_What then came, what Raven then saw, were weeks and months of Anya’s life in the city, jumping from one instance to another in ALIE’s memories. Anya couldn’t see ALIE, but ALIE could see Anya, and so Raven was let into moments Anya surely hadn’t wanted anyone else to see._

_She saw Anya, sitting on the bridge, swinging her legs over the edge and staring at the water as though she were contemplating jumping._

_She saw her sitting in a library, mindlessly flipping through a book, until she finally threw it against the wall and muttered some curses in her own tongue._

_She watched her huddle up on a couch, alone as ever, and cry. It was a strange thing, seeing her cry, though it was almost entirely silent – the only sign Raven even knew Anya was crying was the tremble of her shoulders, her face concealed in her arms as sobs were stifled by what Raven assumed was a pillow._

_Raven hadn’t thought much of what Anya’s life had been before she’d come along. She had forgotten that Anya had spent months alone in the city._

_She felt sorry for her._

* * *

 

And that was when Raven awoke with a gasp, drawing Octavia into looking at her in confusion, and for a moment, Raven just looked around in panic.

She closed her eyes, and saw Anya, curled up on a couch much like she herself had done just a week before. The only difference was that Anya had been alone. Raven had not. And Raven had no way of knowing how many times she had cried like that. She had no way of knowing if Anya was crying in that instant.

She closed her eyes again, and the memory of Anya’s lips against hers returned to her.

And she flinched.

It had been so perfect, for that fleeting second, but then self-doubt had kicked in and she’d pulled away from Anya and from the city altogether. She’d been wrong, she’d kissed Anya when she shouldn’t have, and she’d surely ruined something great with her impulsive decision.

“Raven, what’s going on?”

Octavia sounded scared. In truth, she was – Raven looked like a wild beast, her eyes darting around in confusion, her breaths unsteady and shallow, her hand clutching at her chest as though she were having a heart attack. Octavia was scared because she didn’t know what was happening, and Raven wasn’t telling her much.

“I- ow, ow, nope, my head hurts again.”

“I’m taking you to Abby.”

“Octavia, no, I’m not sick – it’s ALIE, she- it’s her fault. I’m not sick.”

“Raven-“

“Octavia, please, I-“

Another memory flashed in Raven’s mind, this one brief and quick.

“Have you seen Lincoln today?”

Octavia looked at her in confusion. “What?”

“Have you?”

“No.”

“Let’s go.”

“Raven, what-?”

“I don’t know how, okay, but I think he’s been arrested.”

“What!?”

“Come on!”

 

* * *

 

It didn’t take them long to get to the cells.

It also didn’t take Octavia long to find Lincoln, and to get absolutely furious at the two guards standing in between her and Lincoln.

“What the fuck-“ Octavia snapped. “Let go of me, you pig.”

She staggered backwards, eyes moving to glare at Lincoln. “What did you do?”

Lincoln looked apologetic. “Helped my people.”

“Lincoln-“

“I did nothing.”

“What are they charging you with?”

Octavia moved in nearer to the cell, and the guards moved a little ways off, giving them as much privacy as one could get without them leaving the room.

Lincoln was quiet.

Raven knew the answer.

“Treason.”

Lincoln met her eyes, and Raven knew she was right.

“Tre-“ Octavia’s voice broke. “Treason? As in-?”

Lincoln nodded, and Octavia let out a cry. “No. No!”

“I’m stuck here, Octavia. We can’t-be quiet, there’s two guards right there, and four more right outside. You don’t want to be stuck here with me.”

That was when Raven saw her.

ALIE, standing in the corner, eyeing the exchange carefully. ALIE, hands clasped, resting on her stomach, looking as infuriating as ever.

ALIE, thinking she had control of the situation.

“Go away,” Raven growled, drawing the attention of everyone in the cell. “Leave, now, or so help me-“

ALIE turned her head to look at her and smiled. “Raven, it’s been so long-“

“Cut the crap. Get the fuck out. Now!”

But ALIE was already gone. Raven had caught the slightest sliver of annoyance in her eyes, but then she’d been forced away, and now they were alone again.

“Hey!” One of the guards at the door said. “What did you do to her?”

Nobody quite knew what happened next. Raven recalled seeing a baton swung at her, and crouching, and then she’d let out a cry and done something – and then there’d been a crackle, a loud one, and the stench of burned flesh had filled the air.

There were six thuds at almost the same time.

Raven was curled up in the corner, staring in horror at the burned remains of the guard’s face, mouth opened in a silent scream that had never been voiced. There was some blood splattered on her face, and more pouring from the open mouth of the guard’s dead corpse.

Her hands trembled.

Her whole body shook.

“What the-“

Raven looked up and saw the other guard had fallen too, and when Octavia darted to the door and opened it, she saw that the four others outside had died too.

“What did you do?” Octavia cried. “What-“

But Raven couldn’t answer her. She didn’t know what she’d done.

“I didn’t mean to,” she whimpered, heavily in shock, trembling with the aftershocks of the effort it’d taken to do what she’d done. “I didn’t mean to do-“

Her voice broke and she shut her eyes, the dead eyes of the guard haunting her even when she couldn’t really see them.

It was Lincoln who first sprung into action. “Octavia, the keys!”

And then Octavia opened the cell, and after a quick briefing, everyone inside began following her.

“You take care of Raven,” she’d said quietly to Lincoln, “Be careful with her. Please.”

Raven didn’t object when Lincoln picked her up, gently as one could – no, she just focused on not heaving, the stench of fried flesh following her even through the hallways of the Ark.

It was a miracle they didn’t run into any guards as they made their way to the secret passageway. It was even more a miracle that Lincoln managed to maneuver his way through the small hatch with Raven still in his arms, and then they were running through the forest, running endlessly, and Raven was almost passing out – she was exhausted, her head hurt, and she just wanted to sleep.

But she didn’t let herself sleep. She couldn’t, because each time she shut her eyes she saw the guard’s shocked face – the dead look in his eyes, the blood dribbling from his mouth, his convulsing body – and she wanted to heave.

They travelled a little further till they came to a network of caves, and the group of grounders settled in there for the night. There were twenty of them in total, counting Raven, Octavia, and Lincoln, and they all huddled up in a more spacious cave further down, one into which natural light found it’s way from the one open wall to the side, facing the flat side of a cliff.

Raven was set down gently, and for a while she was left alone to think.

She mostly knew what she’d done, but refused to believe it – and so she called for Becca, practically screamed for her in her mind, and Becca came.

“What happened?”

Raven sighed, her entire body shaking. “I- I did something.”

She kept her voice quiet as she spoke again. “I…I was attacked, by guards, and they had the chips in their heads, and I think I- I think I short-circuited the chips, I think I fried their brains,and I-“ she gagged, almost threw up, but managed to keep it down.

“And you want me to tell you didn’t do that?”

Raven looked at her. “Please.”

“I can’t. You did.”

“God-“ Raven gasped.

“You short-circuited the electrical impulses of the chip, magnified them and then had them implode, resulting in a small explosion inside each of their brains. In essence, you fried their brains and entire nervous system.”

“How could I do that!?”

“You tapped into their network,” Becca shrugged. “I didn’t know that was possible, but it’s impressive.”

“I killed six people by accident!”

Becca crouched before Raven, but made no move to touch her in any way. “Look, I know it’s scary-“

“Scary?” Raven spat. “I saw his eyes go empty, blood pouring from his mouth, and I did that-“

“You protected yourself. And saved all of these people, by the looks of it.”

Raven shook her head and swallowed the bile that had risen up to her throat. “Look, I need you to send a message to Lexa. We need to- we need to get out of here. Through the blockade. You can do that, right?”

“I suppose-“

“Raven!”

Raven looked over to see Octavia rushing over, and Becca disappeared in that instant.

“Raven, what the hell did you do to the guards?”

Raven whimpered and covered her head in her hands. “Shut up.”

“Raven, it smelled like something had burned. Did you-“

“I did it, okay, now shut up and leave me be.”

“Raven-“

“Octavia, please. I want to sleep.”

Octavia saw the anger in Raven’s eyes, heard it in her voice, and so she decided to let her be.

For now.

Raven sighed and laid down, the exhaustion running through her veins and draining her, and she barely even had the energy to breathe deeply enough to calm down and slip into the city.

She needed to get away from the stench of dead, burning flesh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops i wrote a 5k chapter in a day because i can't stop thinking about ranya   
> also  
> KISS?????  
> there's feelings and these two are gooey idiots falling hard


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im on a ranya-roll this week nobody can stop me

Anya hadn’t expected Raven to return at all.

She’d thought that Raven would stay away, avoid her, and certainly never want to speak to her again.

But Raven appeared in the apartment, shoulders slumped and looking positively upset, and Anya immediately set down her book and walked over to where she stood.

“Look,” Raven began, her voice wavering, “I know I fucked up, I know I did, I shouldn’t’ve kissed you and I made things weird, but I feel like I’m crumbling to pieces and I need someone—“

Anya looked at her in confusion, but Raven refused to look at her. “What happened?”

“I killed people. I didn’t mean to- god, I saw them, they-”

Raven’s voice shook, her whole body did – Anya looked at her and feared she’d collapse, and so when Raven’s lip quivered, she did the one thing she’d never done.

She stepped in and opened her arms to Raven. She didn’t say a word, but she didn’t have to – she saw the astonished look in Raven’s eyes, and feared for a moment she wouldn’t take it, but then Raven let out a whimper and collapsed against Anya’s chest, her slender arms wrapping around her waist so tightly Anya forgot for a moment that she could even breathe. She wrapped her arms around Raven and held her tight, held her up when her legs gave way – she simply stood there and said nothing, focusing more on her racing heart and the feel of Raven in her arms than the absolute explosion of warmth and emotions in her mind.

She was holding Raven. Raven was in her arms, Raven’s arms were around her waist, Raven’s head was pressed into her shoulder, Raven’s hair was tickling the skin of her neck – Raven was there, in her arms, and Anya didn’t know what to do to calm her heart or her mind.

After a while, Raven withdrew a sharp breath, and sighed heavily, her arms tightening around Anya’s waist even more and making her forget everything else. Raven shifted slightly, more than aware that this was intimate, way beyond what she’d thought Anya would allow – but Anya had initiated it, Anya had been the one to open her arms and beckon her closer, Anya had been the one to gather her into her arms and hold her, so tight and yet so gentle, making Raven feel that much safer. She didn’t cry, didn’t sob – she just stood there, focused on Anya’s arms around her and the sound of her heart in her chest, and waited for herself to calm down.

“Is this weird?”

Her voice was smaller than she’d hoped for, but Anya heard her anyway.

“No.”

“I just…” Raven shut her eyes, but she recalled the bodies again, and winced. “Fucking damnit.”

“What happened?”

Raven pursed her lips shut and said nothing.

Anya didn’t pry any further.

And then Raven trembled, and she moved away, untangling herself from Anya’s arms – she  paced around for a while, then just froze, covered her face with her hands, and let out a whimper. She slumped against the wall, her legs almost shaking, and felt so weak and small that she simply wanted to disappear.

Anya just watched her, unsure of what to do.

“I destroyed them,” Raven whimpered, “I knew them, they had families and children and I fried their brains like it was nothing – the stench, it-“ she swallowed hard and clenched her jaw, but did not look up. “I can’t stop thinking about it, god-“

“What do you want me to do?”

Raven shook her head. “I just – I have to stop thinking about it, please, make it stop, make me forget, talk or do something, hit me, slap me, distract me, I don’t care-“

Anya watched Raven, her hands covering her face, her shoulders trembling with the sheer force of effort to keep the last sliver of composure within her.

She didn’t want to hit her. She could’ve never done anything of the like.

She had nothing to say, either.

Her stomach was in a thousand knots. She’d regretted letting Raven slip away, and now she was here, in her home, not wanting to leave – Anya didn’t want her to go, and wanted nothing more than to show her that she cared too.

Raven jumped slightly when she felt cool fingers wrap around her wrists and pull her hands away from her face, and for the briefest of moments, she wondered what Anya was doing. But then a hand cupped her face, gentle as it could be, brought her chin up, and then – a kiss.

-

Meanwhile in the real world, the group had set off again into the woods. Raven was still unconscious, being carried by Lincoln, Octavia refusing to leave her side – when she’d realized Raven had gone into the city again, she’d been furious, but had been forced to swallow her anger in the face of them being forced to leave. It wasn’t safe for them, not anywhere, not until they found their way around the blockade.

She glanced at Raven, like she’d been doing every few minutes for the past two hours, and was surprised by what she saw.

“Lincoln, look,” she said quietly. “She’s smiling.”

-

Raven sure had reason to smile.

Anya’s lips were on hers, soft and tentative, her hand on Raven’s cheek shaking just slightly as she kissed her. But Raven reacted almost immediately, leaving Anya little time to get too nervous, because the next second Raven’s lips pressed back against hers, Raven’s body moved further against hers, and Raven’s hands slid back around her waist and rested there, the touch sending heat running through Anya’s veins wherever their skin met.

They parted for a brief moment, and Anya opened her eyes to find Raven looking at her, eyes brimming with tears.

“What was that for?” Raven asked, her voice quiet and hoarse.

“You asked me to make you forget,” Anya said quietly. “I’m sorry if I overst-“

But Raven’s lips touched hers again, still tentative and not nearly enough, and Anya shut her eyes and just gave into the sensation. Raven pulled her closer, backed up against the wall, and her hands came up to cup her face as she deepened the kiss, her lips stealing the very last slivers of breath Anya had left in her lungs. She didn’t know what to do with her hands, she was afraid to touch Raven, even with her pulling her closer with each breath, with each beat of her heart – she didn’t dare presume that she had the right. Raven noticed this, and without breaking the kiss, slid her hands down to bring Anya’s hands up, placing them on her waist.

“You can touch me,” she murmured, “It’s okay.”

Anya just sighed. “Are you sure?”

“Anya, I kissed you first. I should be asking you that.”

Anya kissed her for the third time, this time fully and engulfing Raven’s lips in such a fashion that all else slipped away from her mind – she sighed into the kiss, and with that sigh, a calmness set into her heart that effectively countered the panic that had thus far resided within.

She barely even remembered them, the six guards, not when Anya’s lips on hers were so perfect, not when she felt Anya’s hands on her waist press just a little, still tentative as though Anya feared she was overstepping her boundaries. The way she was kissing her was careful, too, unsure even – but Raven was sure, she hadn’t been this sure of anything, but of this, she was.

When she pulled away, she was smiling.

Her hands moved down to rest on Anya’s shoulders, and she didn’t know what to think. She was in awe, speechless, and most of all, she was overwhelmed.

“I should go back,” she finally said.

“Then do.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Then don’t.”

A shy smile spread onto Raven’s lips, and she kissed Anya again, so quickly Anya didn’t even have time to react. She was in a daze of sorts, feeling light-headed and being driven mad with each touch of Raven’s fingers against her neck, of Raven’s lips against hers, the sheer feel of Raven’s body against her own was intoxicating in ways Anya had never known a person could be.

“Thank you.”

Anya raised her eyebrows at that, but said nothing, and so Raven added:

“For helping me calm down.”

Anya nodded. “You’re welcome.”

“I really should get back. It’s-“ Raven faltered for a second. “We left Arkadia. I don’t think we can stay idle long, so…I need to go.”

Anya wanted to tell her no, to keep her there with her for a while longer – but what she said instead was: “Yes, I suppose you should.”

And for one last time, their lips met – soft and gentle, and with a hint of a desperation that they both felt; and then Raven sighed, and shut her eyes, and in the blink of an eye, Anya’s arms were empty and she was alone, once again.

 

* * *

 

Raven awoke not in the cave, but on Lincoln’s back, with Octavia walking alongside them. It was dark, the dead of night, and so Raven knew she’d been asleep for a long time.

She shifted, and groaned, alerting Octavia to her awakenness.

“Raven, you okay?”

Raven nodded, still feeling drowsy. “I’m fine.”

“I’m mad at you,” Octavia grumbled, “But I’m glad you’re back.”

Raven thought of Becca, and she appeared in the corner of her vision, walking just a few feet from Octavia, looking as natural as ever.

“Hold on, O,” Raven said quietly. “Becca?”

The woman gave her a smile. “I spoke to Lexa.”

“And?”

“There’s a river a days’ walk to the west. Once you cross it, you’ll be met by some of Lexa’s people. They’ll take you through the blockade safely and help you to Polis. You’re expected and welcome.”

“So Lexa knows that I-?”

“No, I simply told her that I know the ways I know. I figured you would rather wish to explain your…situation in person.”

“Great. Now I have that mess to explain, too. But thanks.”

Raven then returned her eyes to Octavia, and she repeated what Becca had told her.

“And you know this how?”

"Becca told me."

"And who's Becca?"

Raven sighed. “It’s a long story.”

“Tell me.”

“I’m not part of…whatever ALIE’s involved with,” Raven began quietly. “Well, I was, but just- okay, it’s really messy, so bear with me, ok?”

Octavia nodded, and so Raven began her story.

“Okay, so you know about Becca, right?”

“Um…”

“The woman who created the A.I that destroyed the world.”

“Right.”

“Anyway…she’s sort of my great-grandma.”

“What?”

“And she was the first Commander.”

It was Lincoln who reacted to that. “What!?”

Raven let out a laugh. “Wow, right, I forgot – I must be some Grounder royalty, right?”

“Not really…” Lincoln began, hoisting Raven a little upwards on his back. “You’re not a nightblood, so you can’t really be the Commander.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m better.”

“What?”

“Ok, so Becca created ALIE, and that went awry. And then she created the secondary program – herself – with the nanobots and black blood and that stuff.”

“Right…”

“But she made a third program in her daughter, altered some genes and such…and that daughter’s my grandma.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“I know.”

“But- ok, why didn’t the…program work earlier?”

“I needed the chip to kickstart it,” Raven told her. “ALIE’s chip just started this whole mess for me.”

“So you’re what, an ALIE 3.0?”

“Basically.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Oh, and Becca wants me to destroy ALIE.”

“What?”

“Yeah.”

“How?”

“She hasn’t figured that one out yet,” Raven smirked. “It’s up to me to figure out my heroic deeds.”

Octavia nodded and helped a woman up a steeper rise, at the top of which the whole group settled down for a brief rest. She was still pissed at her, Raven knew that, and so she grabbed her by the arm and dragged her a little ways’ off to properly talk.

“Look, O-“

“Raven, something this big happened, and you didn’t tell me.” Octavia said quietly. “You- you kept it to yourself. Why?”

Raven looked away. “I didn’t want to…okay, no, you know what? I didn’t trust you. You- you didn’t understand, you thought I’d done something stupid, you didn’t even…you didn’t listen when I first tried to explain.”

“Raven, I was worried.”

“But can’t you trust me when I say you don’t have to be?”

Octavia sighed. “You were knocked out cold for almost five hours. Nothing could wake you. You can't tell me I’m not supposed to be worried when you're slipping into a coma on a daily basis.”

“Look-“

“And what’s so good about the city, anyway?”

_Anya._

“I-I’m free there, O. I can use my leg, there’s no one else, it’s just…I’m free.”

“You could be free here.”

“Don’t tell me you believe that.”

“Okay, fine, but still- Raven, you look like absolute shit. Your eyes are red, puffy, you look like you haven’t slept in years – and you keep secrets from me.”

“O, I’m sorry.”

“No, I just- I want you to trust me, Raven. You can’t just go with all of this, not all alone.”

“I’m not.”

“What?”

“I’m not alone,” Raven sighed. “Becca- she helps.”

That was only half a lie.

She only changed the name.

“I wish you’d talk to _me_.”

“You want me to talk about what I did.”

“Yes.”

“I can’t-“

“I get it, Raven. You don’t understand it yourself, but still…are you okay?”

Raven let out a sigh. “I’m okay.”

“Sure?”

“Sure.”

“You good to walk?”

Raven stood up and took a few steps. “If you want me to walk as slow as a snail, then yes.”

“I’ll carry you,” Lincoln offered, coming up from behind them. “It’s no problem.”

“You sure? O’s not gonna get jealous?”

Octavia smacked Raven. “I have all the faith that you can remain completely appropriate with him.”

“Really?”

“Yes, because if you don’t, I’ll kick your ass.”

“Fair enough.”

Raven didn’t tell them about Anya.

Anya was her secret, for now. She didn’t want to talk about her until she was certain Anya could be brought back. So far as everyone else was concerned, Anya was the broody Grounder general who had tried to kill them multiple times and who had died in Clarke’s arms outside the camp months ago. There was no use to start speculating of her return, not yet.

 

* * *

 

Lincoln opted to carry Raven slung over his shoulders, so to ease the pressure on her leg, and Raven tried her best to remain awake. But she was exhausted – whatever she’d done to fry the guards’ brains had effectively drained her, and she hadn’t eaten in ages. They’d been walking for hours, with no end in sight, endless woods and fields crossed with no change whatsoever in the scenery. And so she slipped away, and slept, and neither Octavia or Lincoln dared to wake her till they settled down for a rest half-way. Some of the men and women went off and came back a while later with nuts and berries for everyone to eat, and Raven ate a little. She still felt a little nauseous, still half-sensing the smell of burned flesh and fresh blood, but forced herself to down a little water and a handful of berries before declining any more.

“Raven, you have to eat.”

“No, I don’t.”

Octavia sighed. “Raven…”

“If I eat any more, I’ll vomit. Lincoln’s so tall I’ll get motion sickness or something.”

“Shut up,” Octavia chuckled. “If you die of starvation, it’s your fault.”

“Wouldn’t that be a funny thing.”

“Raven, can you please stop joking about that?”

“About what?”

“About you dying. It’s…just stop, okay?”

Raven eyed Octavia carefully. “I’m sorry, Octavia. I know this – I know I’m hard to deal with right now. I just wish you didn’t worry.”

“How can I not?” Octavia sighed. “My best friend has an A.I  in her brain and is apparently an A.I. herself, and can control other A.I.s and fry peoples brains. Not to mention your headaches…”

“I haven’t had a single headache since we left.”

“Really?”

“Really,” Raven told her. “ALIE only has a certain sphere of influence. She’s confined to a specific distance from her backpack.”

“Well, that’s good. So no evil A.I-bitch trying to probe your brain, then.”

“Nope.”

“Perfect. That’s one worry ticked off the miles long list I have for you.”

“Ha-ha. Very funny.”

 “Seriously, though…” Octavia said, her eyes flickering over to glance at Raven. “You- well, none of this trip is in any way intentional, but I guess we can thank you for it. Lincoln would’ve-“

“Yeah, I know. I saved your pretty boy’s ass,” Raven smirked. “You best be grateful.”

“I am.”

They set off again a while later, though this time Octavia insisted on carrying Raven for a while – Lincoln needed his strength, and Raven wasn’t so heavy to carry. It also helped that the terrain had become low and flat, and at the base of the valley, amidst the tall grass, they were relatively safe from prying eyes. Though they knew that the likelihood of them running into Skaikru guards was minimal, they still kept a low profile and moved carefully, not wanting to draw attention – their only weapons were the few stun batons and guns that they’d grabbed off the guards, and a few knives too. There was no way they could’ve held their own against even one guard from Arkadia, not when half of the group was in some way or form ill.

“Raven, you’re choking me,” Octavia grunted as she hoisted Raven up on her back. “I’d like to breathe.”

Raven moved her hands to grip at Octavia’s shoulders and sighed. “Sorry. Are you sure you can carry me any longer? ‘Cause I can walk-“

“I’m working out,” Octavia huffed. “Indra’s going to be pissed to find me out of shape, so I’m doing all I can.”

“By possibly killing yourself by carrying me.”

“Exactly.”

“Great.”

Octavia carried her for another twenty minutes or so before finally caving and allowing Lincoln to take Raven again. Raven hated this, hated being a burden, and the way it was negotiated stung the most – they didn’t even consult her, Lincoln just came over and picked Raven up without a word, and while Raven was thankful for his help, she wished that she hadn’t had the need for anyone’s help at all.

The sun set, and darkness set across the grasslands, but they kept on walking. In the dark of night, animals cried out, and Raven jumped more than once in fear that something was approaching them. But none of the Grounders appeared phased, and so she settled into a lulling state of drowsiness, bored as ever and unable to wait to finally reach the damned river that they’d been headed for all day.

It was almost dawn when they finally came to the river. On it’s other side, they could see fires, and as they waited to see how they could cross the water, the fires began to come nearer. It took a while for Raven to realize they were boats, and soon enough, a few of them had reached the shore, a couple of grounders sitting in each of them. The group was greeted in Tridegasleng, and around them began weary chatter as the grounders piled into the boats and were shipped across the water.

Raven, Octavia and Lincoln were the last to be taken across, where a small camp had been set up. They were led to the tent in the middle, and that was where they settled in for the night. They were fed, and then they slept for just a few hours before being roused again.

“They say it’s two days to Polis from here by carts,” Lincoln translated what the guard had told him. “We leave in an hour.”

They were then clothed more appropriately. It was still cold, early spring at most, and though the sun now rose and stayed up for most of the day, it’s rays were yet void of the true warmth of summer.

Raven discarded her sweaty shirt and bloodied jeans for a pair of leggings-type pants, made of soft black leather, and a thick woollen shirt, pale red in color. The shirt she fastened with a belt, which was wide and tight so that it gave support to her back – it eased her joint pains just the slightest bit, and to top it off, she grabbed a coat, ending up looking very much like a grounder.

“You want me to braid your hair?” Octavia asked, giggling slightly. “You look funny.”

“It’s not my fault the coat’s too big,” Raven grumbled. “And shut up. Your coat looks even funnier.”

“Well, I am smaller than you.”

“Come on, let’s get the hell out of here before Arkadia dearest calls us back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops what they kissed again? multiple times? feelings off the charts? maybe.  
> i may be sobbing ranya trash at this point.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while but bear with me, exams are crushing me

The ride to Polis was exhaustingly boring, to say the least. After a while, it had begun raining, and the road turned to mud and sludge, making progress that much harder. There was little cover in the carts, and so Raven sat in the very corner, hood pulled up over her head, and shivered.

It was cold, damp, and the bumps and tosses of the cart had already warranted one too many bruises on her arms and back and legs.

Octavia walked alongside the soldiers. She hated it, her legs were tired and aching, and her legs were covered in mud past her knee – but she kept going, knowing very well that it was good exercise, and hoped that some of the men would remember her and mention her to Indra.

The first day, Raven had mostly just stared at the trees, bored as ever.

The second day, she was too bored to sleep. She tried going into the city, but was unable to concentrate enough to do so – it might’ve been the icy cold rain running down her face or the constant clatter around them, but she didn’t feel safe enough to slip away.

She thought of Anya.

She thought the look in her eyes, the curve of her lips, the taste of her mouth and the feel of her waist beneath her hands, and she felt warm again.

She recalled the kiss, and her face grew hot. She wanted to go back and see Anya again, she missed her, she wanted to talk with her and understand what was happening with them. She wanted to get away, she wanted to have a break, but most of all, she just wanted to see Anya again.

She wanted to kiss her again, though that want she hid away, still unsure of whether or not it was appropriate.

She had her forehead resting against her knees, face hidden away, and so she didn’t at first realize that she was no longer alone in the cart.

Anya sat there, in the rain, untouched by the water and yet definitely there, and was confused.

She saw the road and knew where they were, but had no idea how or when she’d gotten there. She saw Raven, huddled up a few feet from her, and had no idea how she was there.

“Raven?”

Raven’s head shot up when she heard Anya’s voice, and when she saw her, she let out a cry of sheer surprise. “Holy shit, what-?”

Octavia had heard her cry and peeked over to see if she was okay. “Raven? Everything alright?”

Raven glanced at Anya in panic, but saw then that Octavia hadn’t seen her – or, more to the point, Octavia couldn’t see her.

“Yeah, I just hit my head, that’s all.”

Octavia nodded and went back to walking, leaving Raven to stare at Anya in surprise.

“C’mere,” she beckoned quietly, “Closer. I want to talk but I don’t want to be heard.”

Anya shuffled over and sat down right beside Raven, and when Raven tried to touch her, she could only barely feel her – it was an imaginary touch, not real, and her hand would’ve passed through Anya had she tried.

“You’re like ALIE,” Raven murmured. “This is weird.”

“What the hell am I doing here?”

“I don’t know.”

“How did I get here?”

“I don’t know.”

Anya looked at Raven then, and saw that she was clad in grounder clothes. They were too big for her and made her appear tiny, like a child, and Anya immediately saw that Raven hadn’t laced up her hood properly.

“You need to tie those two laces tighter,” she muttered. “It’ll keep the hood more water tight.

Raven glanced at the strings and quickly did as told. “Oh, yeah. That’s better. No more water seeping into my neck.”

There was a moment of silence, followed by Anya shifting uncomfortably and saying: “Where are you headed?”

“Polis.”

“So you left Arkadia?”

Raven nodded. “Lexa’s enforced a blockade. Pike’s declared war.”

“Foolish of him,” Anya scoffed. “He’ll get your people wiped out.”

When she saw Raven’s pale face, Anya realized Raven was worried of just that.

“Perhaps Lexa will be lenient,” she amended. “There’s a chance she could spare some.”

“A slim chance,” Raven muttered. “But it’s not like there’s many left who really deserve to…well, who am I to judge?”

Anya nodded and turned her gaze away. “You don’t look too well,” she commented. She hadn’t been able to disregard the redness of Raven’s eyes, or the dark circles underneath them – she saw Raven was shivering too, her clothes were drenched and her hair stuck to her face even though the hood she was wearing did all it could to keep the water off.

For a fleeting moment, she wished she had her real body, wished she was fully there, so that she could wrap an arm around the girl and warm her with her own body.

Her arm twitched and she almost tried to wrap it around Raven’s shoulders, but she withheld it – it wouldn’t have been useful, her arm would’ve passed through.

“Wow, thanks for pointing that out,” Raven muttered.

“You look weary. You should sleep.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t feel...” Raven sighed. “I feel alone.”

The last words were muttered, and Anya only barely heard them – when she did, she didn’t turn to look at Raven, not till she heard a quiet sniffle. She glanced at her just in time to catch her angrily wipe a tear away, and smiled gently.

“I’ll be here,” she said quietly. “Would that help?”

Raven furrowed her brows. “You’re sure?”

“Well, I didn’t choose to come here. From what I can tell, it was you. So as long as you want me here, I am.”

Raven sighed. “Don’t go complaining about getting bored,” she muttered as she leaned her head against her knees.

Anya let out a breath and turned her eyes to the sky, finding it so strange that she could see the rain falling and yet not feel it. She felt neither cold or warm, in truth, she didn’t really feel anything – she didn’t belong there, she knew that, she wasn’t real in this world, and that fact made her heart ache with yearning.

She just wanted to go home, though she’d never really known where her home was.

When she looked back at Raven, she saw she’d fallen asleep.

A moment later, she found herself in the city.

“Fuck,” Anya cursed. “And I went and promised I’d stay.”

But she couldn’t get back, no – she tried, but had no idea how to even try.

 

* * *

 

Raven slept for about an hour before being woken by Octavia.

“Hmh?”

“Are you hungry?”

Raven shook her head. “Lemme sleep.”

Octavia looked at her friend and saw what Anya had seen too – she saw an exhausted, tired Raven, one with little to no energy.

“You’ve gotta eat,” she insisted. “I’ll leave this here.”

She went off again, and, after a while, Raven felt the cart start moving again.

After a while longer, she realized her stomach was growling, and grabbed the little pouch Octavia had left her.

She only managed two bites of dried meat before she felt sick and put it away.

“Nothing’s going my way,” she grumbled. “Nothing.”

She sighed and shut her eyes, and thought of the city – and then, in a flash, she was there.

It was no longer cold. Her clothes weren’t wet anymore, her hair was dry and her body wasn’t shivering.

She was also sitting in the lap of a very startled Anya.

When Raven realized that she was in Anya’s lap, straddling her hips, she let out a quiet yelp and scrambled out of her lap, stumbling over and falling onto the floor in the process. When she managed to get up to her feet, she turned around to find Anya gaping at her with wide eyes, and could’ve sworn she detected the slightest hint of a blush on her cheeks.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that-“ she stammered, her mind only now catching up to what had happened. “I, um…”

The astonishment on Anya’s face was more than evident, and Raven considered running off and hiding her growing embarrassment – but then a smirk found it’s way onto Anya’s lips, and Raven found herself confused.

“Haven’t we deduced that you appear in the city where you most want to be?”

Anya had locked eyes with Raven, and Raven’s stomach did a thousand flips when she saw that Anya was actually amused.

Pleased, even.

Raven was still speechless, embarrassed as ever, and Anya cocked her head just slightly as she waited for her to regain her words.

“Maybe I made a mistake,” Raven finally muttered.

“You said it yourself. You think of where you want to be, and that’s where you appear.”

“Are you going somewhere with this?”

“Perhaps,” Anya said nonchalantly.

“And what would that somewhere be?”

Anya shrugged. “Did you want to be in my lap?”

A set of shivers ran through Raven’s body, and she looked away.

Anya waited for an appropriate amount of time before she asked again. “Did you?”

The brunette shrugged. “Maybe.”

“Then perhaps,” Anya faltered a little, “ Perhaps you’d like to come back?”

Raven’s eyes widened, but she turned around too slowly – she didn’t see the little breath Anya let out after she’d asked that, after she’d just about revealed what she wanted to Raven. All she saw was Anya waiting for her, stoic as ever, her eyes watching her intently.

“You want me to come sit in your lap?” Raven asked carefully. Usually, she would’ve been as confident as ever, but somehow, here, she was out of her depth.

This time, Raven caught the slight flinch in Anya’s face. It wasn’t too hard for her to figure out it’s cause – if she was nervous, she could only imagine that Anya was too.

“I’m not stopping you.”

Anya raised her eyebrows, and waited.

Raven swallowed and got back on the couch, and carefully settled back onto Anya’s lap, finding that it was easier than she’d thought. Though her mind was losing it and her heart was racing, her body knew where to go – she had no idea how or when she could’ve learned it, but she settled into Anya’s lap as though she had been doing so all her life.

Anya’s heart skipped a beat when Raven threw her leg over her lap and settled down, straddling her hips and properly settling atop her. She was suddenly so close, a slight smirk toying on her lips, and Anya didn’t know what to do with her hands.

Raven, however, had found her courage again, and slid her arms around Anya’s neck, pushing her against the couch as she leaned in closer.

Right before their lips touched, she paused for a slight moment for a breath, as though to savor the moment. Anya noticed her hesitation, but before she could ask if something was wrong, Raven’s lips engulfed her own, and all else slipped away.

“To think that you’d be so soft,” Raven murmured as she kissed her again. “The great General, battle-worn warrior, all frowns and stoic faces…and here you are.”

Anya frowned. “Soft?”

“You’re treating me like I’m made of glass.”

“Then how would you have me treat you?”

“I won’t break if you put your hands on my waist, Anya,” Raven muttered. “Don’t treat me like you’re afraid I’ll break.”

Anya heard a slight waver in Raven’s voice, and looked at her to see something akin to a plea held within the warmth of her eyes.

Anya slid her hands around Raven’s waist and pulled Raven closer. “Like that?”

Raven’s eyes were shining again when she nodded. “Yeah.”

When Anya moved one hand up to slide around Raven’s neck, Raven’s stomach did a thousand flips – when she pulled her closer, the hand at the back of Raven’s head firm and guiding, Raven’s breath hitched in her throat.

When Anya claimed Raven’s lips with the hunger she’d thus far suppressed, Raven let out a quiet squeal of sheer delight. She moved in even closer, allowed Anya’s hand on the small of her back guide her hips to press against her, and allowed Anya’s tongue to slip into her mouth, filling it with a taste so intoxicating Raven’s head spun.

Anya’s desire to simply carry Raven off to the bedroom and take her as she pleased was growing to unbearable heights, and it was taking all she could to keep herself calm and steady. She was in no rush, she kept reminding herself of that, Raven wasn’t like the others – Raven wasn’t a delight of one night, Raven was more, she didn’t want to stop but she also didn’t want to rush and ruin everything.

In short, Anya was struggling to keep herself from taking Raven there and then.

Raven, of course, had no idea of this; she was more than happy to go as far as Anya wanted, she wanted this – in her mind, she dared even think that she needed it, needed Anya that close. Had she not had Anya’s tongue in her mouth, she would’ve surely spoken out her desires.

Anya stopped them abruptly when she felt Raven’s hand tugging at the hem of her shirt.

“Did I do something wrong?” Raven asked, panting slightly as she tried to regain her breath.

“No, I just…” Anya shook her head. “This is too fast.”

“I don’t think it is.”

To that, Anya raised her eyebrows. “Really?”

“Mhm.”

“You want to-“

Raven grinded her hips against Anya and gave her a coy smile. “I want you.”

Anya shuddered as Raven leaned in to kiss her neck – the kiss before had still been chaste compared to this, there’d been a barrier, but now that barrier was gone, and Anya knew there was no stopping.

Not that she wanted to. No, when Raven’s hot lips first touched her neck where she’d only allowed a few girls’ lips before, she let out a quiet moan, unable to contain it – there was something incredibly sensual about how Raven’s hips kept slowly grinding in her lap as Raven’s lips kissed and sucked at her neck, how Raven’s hands trailed her body; never had Anya given herself up like this, she just sat there, head laid back and hands resting on Raven’s thighs as Raven did all she could to make her head spin.

When Raven undid the laced up front of Anya’s shirt to reveal more skin to kiss, Anya breathed a few curses in her own tongue.

Raven leaned back and shed her coat and her shirt in almost one go, leaving her only in a bra. After a moment’s hesitation, she undid the bra too, leaving her entirely exposed to Anya.

She could see Anya staring at her, and almost blushed again, feeling scrutinized and yet not minding the feeling one bit. She wanted Anya to look at her and admire her, and so, when she saw the absolute awe in Anya’s eyes, she grinned and kissed her again, her lips seeking out Anya’s mouth in a gesture so natural and easy she didn’t even have to think.

When her hands began pulling Anya’s shirt upwards, she didn’t stop her. Raven pulled it over Anya’s head and tossed it aside, leaving Anya entirely bare before her.

Her eyes trailed her body, her skin, and something looked a little bit off – it was too pristine, there wasn't a single scar or tattoo or anything on her skin, and Raven found yourself confused. She'd seen grounders before, and all of them had been covered in scars and tattoos.

“It’s different here,” Anya murmured as she drew Raven in for another kiss, “All my scars are gone.”

“You have many?” Raven asked amidst kisses.

“Yes.”

Raven didn't ask any further than that. No, she was more focused on the fact that Anya was bare before her, that Anya was there and she was touching her breast, soft and warm - when she rolled her nipple in between her fingers, her back arched into her touch.

“ _Jok, Reiven,_ ” Anya breathed when Raven’s hand cupped her bare breast and the brunette flicked her tongue over her nipple, the touch so fleeting and yet more than enough to cause another jolt of pleasure to run through her veins.

The way her name rolled off of Anya’s tongue caused a wave of shivers to run down Raven’s spine.

“And here I thought you’d be harder to top,” she murmured, a slight grin on her lips.

That was a mistake. The instant Anya heard her, she flipped them over, and suddenly Raven found herself on her back on the couch with Anya over her, with Anya’s lips claiming hers with such depth and force that she let out a whimper without even meaning to.

Anya paused for a second, just very briefly, to check that she was okay – when she saw Raven nod, just the slightest bit, she grinned and ran her hand up along Raven’s stomach.

“That sounded like a challenge,” Anya murmured as she trailed kisses down along Raven’s jaw, “And I don’t take well to being challenged.”

 _I’d say you take especially well to being challenged,_ Raven thought. She was incapable of voicing her thoughts, not when Anya’s lips were on her skin, not when Anya’s fingers were toying with her nipple. They pinched down, just enough to elicit a little cry of surprise, but the tiny jolt of pain was soothed by Anya’s tongue running over her breast, lips closing around the hardened nipple and sucking.

Raven arched her back a little to push herself more into Anya’s mouth, and moaned. Anya took that opportunity to slide one hand around Raven’s back and to pull her up, back into her lap, and for a moment, she just held her there, her mouth still on Raven’s breast as her hand held her waist close.

“I think we should move,” Raven breathed, “To somewhere where it’s…easier.”

Anya nodded and stood up, Raven still in her arms, hands gripping Raven’s thighs tightly, and Raven let out a squeal of surprise. Anya only thought it adorable how Raven’s grip of her shoulders tightened as she hoisted her up higher and started walking towards the bedroom.

“I can walk, you know,” Raven murmured in between kisses.

“I know, but I prefer this.”

She laid Raven down on the bed, and for a moment, paused to look at her.

When she realized she’d never really _looked_ at the women she’d fucked, she froze entirely. Raven looked so beautiful, her pony tail almost entirely undone, hair mussed and her eyes gleaming with excitement; her body was slender and beautiful, and though Anya could see her skin was littered with scars, she paid no further notion to them then. She was more focused on the curve of Raven’s hip and the rise of her breast, the dip of her clavicle and the defined muscles of her entire body. She could’ve spent an eternity just looking at her, she wanted to remember every detail, and she wasn’t in any rush.

She was in no rush to fuck Raven and kick her out of the apartment, she was in no rush at all – there was no stress, she wasn’t just working out her frustrations, she was here because she _wanted_ to have Raven.

More importantly, it was in that moment that Anya realized that she wanted Raven to have her.

She’d never done that before, and the thought made her nervous.

“Is everything okay?"

Anya blinked. “Yes.”

“Then come back down here,” Raven told her. “I kinda liked the feel of you on me.”

“Kinda?”

Raven just sighed and grabbed Anya’s hand, yanking her towards the bed. “Just come here.”

Anya was more than happy to, but before she did, she had one thing to do.

She grabbed Raven’s legs and pulled her closer to the edge of the bed, and as she brought her up with one hand for a kiss, her other hand unbuckled her belt and unbuttoned her pants. She released her grip of Raven’s neck and knelt down to pull Raven’s pants off, leaving her only in her underwear, eyes shining in anticipation of what was to come.

When she climbed over Raven, she felt her gut twisting in anticipation and something akin to fear – she wasn’t so sure she could contain herself, Raven was so different and new, Raven had her in her grip and she didn’t even know it yet.

The fact that Anya knew that she would’ve done just about anything that Raven requested both scared and excited her. She would’ve done anything for her, she knew that, and she groaned internally as she realized she was done for.

But she focused more on pleasuring Raven. She couldn’t stop herself from feeling for her, and so she didn’t.

She kissed her, and could taste the world on the tip of her tongue, sweet and soft and capable of rendering her a wanting mess.

She held her, and could feel the weight of the universe lifting from her heart when the brunette slid her arms around her waist and brought her in as close as she could.

Raven was smiling when Anya pulled away for a breath, and she looked at her curiously.

“What?”

Raven shrugged. “You’re not what I expected you to be.”

“What did you expect?” Anya asked as she returned her lips to Raven’s.

“Something…” Raven began, but Anya kissed her again and cut her off. “…rough. I thought you’d be rough.”

Anya smirked as she caught Raven’s lower lip in between her own and sucked a little. “Do you want me to be rough?”

“I want you to fuck me,” Raven breathed, her own words making her cunt throb. “Please.”

If Raven was capable of making herself even more aroused with her words, Anya was essentially rendered a dripping mess by them.

“As you wish,” she murmured as she kissed Raven again. As her tongue slid against Raven’s and tasted her essence, Anya slid her hand down along Raven’s side and to her hip, where she paused for a second.

“Why’d you stop?”

Anya rolled her eyes and kissed Raven so roughly she whimpered.

“Don’t be so needy,” she growled as she pinned Raven down even further on the bed. “All in due time.”

She didn’t even think when she accompanied her words with a slap to Raven’s sex, causing the brunette to jump and yelp – but she didn’t see pain or fear in Raven’s eyes, no, all she saw was lust and passion, and something she hadn’t ever seen in anyone before.

Raven trusted her, wholeheartedly trusted her, and it was evident from the way she just laid there and waited for Anya to settle on what to do next.

Of course she’d seen trust in many people before, but never this close, and never from someone she was being intimate with.

“You’ve got that weird look in your eye again,” Raven commented. “You okay?”

Anya blinked and nodded. “Of course.”

And then, when she leaned back down to kiss Raven, she slipped her hand into her underwear and rendered Raven hers with her expert fingers, she knew what to do and when, and soon Raven was a whimpering mess beneath her.

“You said I was easy to top,” Anya murmured into her neck as she thrust two fingers into her, “But I’d say you’re almost too easy to top.”

Raven didn’t respond, all she could manage was another moan, and Anya just grinned.

“Come on,” she murmured again. “You know you want to finish.”

She coaxed Raven to it, towards a climax, and she watched her intently as she tipped over to an orgasm so beautiful she couldn’t have torn her eyes off of Raven’s form had she wanted to. It was hypnotic, watching the brunette writhe in her grasp, squirm as her pleasure coursed through her, trying to get away from Anya’s fingers still working inside her, but unable to truly do so. She whimpered and moaned into Anya’s neck, and when her teeth sank into Anya’s neck in a desperate attempt to silence herself, Anya let out a groan of both pleasure and pain.

“Anya,” Raven whimpered as Anya still kept going, “Anya, please, it’s too much…”

“Do you want me to stop?” Anya asked, her lips brushing against Raven’s. The brunette’s head rested back on the bed, eyes shut and lower lip caught between her teeth as she whimpered once again.

Anya thrust into her again, and repeated her question.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No,” Raven whimpered, “Please, Anya-“

Anya just hummed and caught her lips again, and thrust as far into Raven as she could – her knuckles hit her entrance, and Raven cried out, but then Anya’s thumb on her clit sent a jolt of painful pleasure through her pelvis, and she groaned.

Raven wasn’t so sure where the word came to her from, but, in her orgasmic haze, she didn’t pay much notion to it.

All she knew was that when she spoke those words, Anya’s eyes widened and a feral intensity entered her, one which Raven hadn’t anticipated at all.

_“Beja, Anja, beja-“_

When Anya heard Raven begging her in her own tongue, she just about lost her mind. It sounded so beautiful from her tongue, she loved the sound of it, and the fact that Raven was literally begging her made it all that much more intoxicating.

What left her lips next could be described as something of a growl as she added a third finger and thrust into Raven again, all she cared for then was making Raven whimper and moan as much as she could, giving her another climax so soon after the first. Raven was trying to work with her, grinding into her hand with each thrust, but she was so close she wasn’t paying much attention to anything else. Anya trailed kisses along her neck and chest, and couldn’t resist biting down into her soft flesh, leaving a mark and eliciting a whine from the brunette beneath her.

She could feel Raven shaking beneath her, and could see that she was close – her insides were clenching around her fingers, she was whining quietly now, she was nearing her climax and she was, once again, breathtakingly beautiful.

“ _Kom gon ai op,_ ” Anya growled into Raven’s ear, and Raven shuddered.

_Come for me._

She didn’t know how she knew what it meant, she didn’t care, all she cared for was the continuous pounding at her cunt and the feel of Anya’s lips on her neck, licking and kissing and sucking, driving her wild.

Her second climax hit her like a truck, and she let out a choked whimper which could’ve been something along the lines of ‘holy fucking shit’ were she not cut off amidst her curses by Anya’s lips claiming her own. She whined into Anya’s mouth, her head was spinning, and everything felt so good she couldn’t even think.

Slowly, everything quieted down, and Anya withdrew her hand from Raven’s sex.

She intended on wiping it on the sheets on the bed, but Raven grabbed her hand and brought it up to her mouth.

Anya couldn’t even breathe when Raven took her fingers in her mouth and sucked them clean, her eyes glimmering with a taunt and dare, she was smirking at her and Anya knew it. But it looked so seductive, so hot, no one had ever done that before, and Anya couldn’t believe how good it felt to see it.

“Now,” Raven drawled when she’d cleaned up Anya’s fingers, “How about you lie on your back and I’ll have some fun with you?”

Anya tensed up, and Raven furrowed her brows.

“Did I do something?”

Anya shook her head. “No, it’s nothing.”

“It’s okay if you don’t want me to-“

“No,” Anya stammered. “I…I do.”

“Good. Then lie on your back, General, and let me fuck you good and proper.”

Anya withheld her tongue and found herself doing as asked, unable to quite comprehend why the brunette was able to control her so.

She was excited, her stomach felt like she was falling, it was flipping a thousand times as she watched Raven shuffle downwards and pull her pants down, but she wasn’t afraid.

“Don’t be so tense,” Raven purred, “God, you’d think this was your fir-“

She faltered, and Anya realized then that Raven knew.

“Is this your first time being fucked?”

Anya threw Raven a glare. “Shut up.”

“No, tell me.”

“I don’t want to discuss this with you.”

“I’m about to lick your cunt and make you cum, I think I have the right to know,” Raven smirked. She was kneeling in between Anya's legs, which were spread – Anya felt vulnerable, she was all bare before the brunette, and she wasn’t comfortable.

“Hey,” Raven said quietly, running her hand up Anya’s thigh softly. “Just relax, ok? You still want me to-“

“Just fuck me,” Anya breathed.

She might’ve been terrified, but she was at least equally as aroused and needed Raven to take her.

She wanted Raven to have her.

Raven tightened the ponytail in her hair and moved down, laying down on her stomach and running a trail of kisses along Anya’s inner thigh, causing shivers to run down her spine.

She didn’t know what to expect.

But then she felt Raven’s breath on her center, and then, her tongue.

It was wet and slick and new, warm and it felt so good – as Raven pressed her tongue flat against Anya’s cunt and ran it up along her slit, Anya arched her back a little, pushing herself more into Raven’s mouth. She’d been throbbing for release, and now, she was being given a climax, not by her own hand but by someone else.

And that someone else was Raven.

As Raven began lapping at Anya’s sex, she moved her hand up and slid two fingers into her, slowly and carefully so as to not overstep her boundaries – but that touch only made Anya moan, the sound was beautiful and so unexpected that Raven felt herself whimper in response.

Anya’s hands came to grip at her hair, at the ponytail, and Raven grinned when she realized Anya was close.

She tasted divine, she wanted nothing more than to forever have her arousal tasting on the tip of her tongue, and she could’ve stayed there for however long Anya wanted. The feel of Anya quivering beneath her, of the stoic General being rendered a whimpering mess by just her tongue and fingers, it was intoxicating in ways Raven had never known.

Anya had only ever pleasured herself. She had never let any other girl touch her in that fashion, Raven was the first to do so, the first she’d allowed to do so.

It was also Raven who pushed her over to an orgasm a while later, a toppling, mind-blowing climax that left her a shuddering mess on the bed, trying to figure out how she could ever breathe regularly again.

Her hands pushed Raven further into her, almost smothering, but Raven didn’t mind – to her, seeing Anya lose control was amazing.

_“Jok, Reiven…”_

Her legs shook and her muscles clenched down on Raven’s fingers, and she couldn’t withhold her whimper – it was so new, she was so pleased, she felt so good, and for a moment, the only thought in her head was a name.

_Raven._

Raven had stopped and was crawling over her, settling atop her, and then, she was laying on top of Anya, and Anya was sure she’d forget to breathe.

Raven’s face was hovering above hers, she was smiling, and Anya didn’t know what to say.

“How was that, Grounder Princess?” She asked, a smirk still on her lips.

Anya groaned and pulled her down for a soul-crushing kiss.

The taste of herself on Raven’s lips and tongue was more than enough to make Anya’s heart flutter, and she wanted Raven closer, she tried, but it was virtually impossible. Raven was already as tight against her as she could, and she wrapped an arm around Raven’s waist then, pulling her a little bit higher up to gain better access to her mouth.

“You taste great,” Raven murmured when she laid her head into the crook of Anya’s neck.

Anya shuddered, and Raven grew concerned. “You’re really quiet. You ok?”

“Yes,” Anya said quickly. “It’s just…”

Her voice trailed off, and Raven found herself curious.

“Just what?”

“I’ve never let anyone fuck me.”

Raven nodded. “I figured.”

“You don’t find that strange?”

“Was this your first ever time overall?”

“No.”

“So this was just your first time being fucked?”

“Yes.”

“Was I good?”

Anya sighed. “ _Sha,_ ” she murmured, “ _Sha, Reiven.”_

Raven understood.

“You know what’s weird?”

“Hmm?”

Anya’s fingers were toying with her hair, and for a moment, Raven forgot what she was saying. Anya was soft, she was so soft – of all the things, Anya, the great General with more kills than anyone Raven knew, of all the things Anya was _soft._

She’d expected harsh grabs and rough edges, but this was so much better – she couldn’t deny that laying on Anya was the first time in ages that Raven had felt so safe, so comfortable, and she half wanted to fall asleep right there and then.

“You were saying something?”

Raven shifted a little and breathed in Anya’s scent – it smelled of spring rain and the woods, of the mossy undergrowth and the dew of the morning. She smelled like the ground, it was a delicious scent, and Raven loved it.

“Raven?”

“Huh?” Raven asked. “Oh, right. It’s just…I understand what you’re saying, when you speak your language.”

“Really?”

“Mhm.”

“And you haven’t been taught?”

“No.”

Anya was surprised to say the least, and didn’t really know what to say. Of course, it didn’t really help that her mind was swimming in the aftermath of Raven’s touch and Raven’s mouth.

“I suppose,” Raven yawned, “That if Becca knew it, I do too.”

Anya could feel Raven relaxing in her arms, and panicked a little when she realized she was falling asleep.

Most of the times when Raven had fallen asleep in the city, she’d slipped away the instant she was no longer awake.

“Don’t fall asleep,” she murmured.

What she really meant to say was: _don’t leave me._

 Raven nodded and buried her face into Anya’s neck. “I’ll try not to.”

For a while, they just laid there, entirely silent. Anya kept tracing her fingers up and down Raven’s back, toying with her hair and stroking her neck and shoulders. Raven was quiet, Anya could feel her breaths against herself, and for a moment, she felt at home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in case y'all havent yet figured it out, sin is a coping mechanism for stress for me ;)


End file.
